Hi all- This handy dandy missive's was floating around the sf_indierock list some weeks ago, so I thought I'd share for those who frequent clubs. -jan Anthropological Guide for Alternative Music Venues 1 . The World-weary Sound Guy He's seen it all before and just to remind you of that, he is critical of everything and everybody. Cigarette dangling from his lower lip, he grumpily sets up the microphones all the while muttering, "I could blow any one of you wankers off the stage if my girlfriend would just get off my back." 2. The Kid with the New Fake ID The sheer illicit giddiness of drinking in public for the first time might explain the stupid grin on his face, but more likely it has to do with the six whiskey sours he's downed in the past hour. By the end of the night he transforms into "The Kid with his Head in a Toilet You Wouldn't Even Sit On." 3. The Girl with the Killer Boots Her boots are most likely the coolest thing in her wardrobe, but they are absolutely fantastic. Her boots attract envious comments from everyone. Inevitably, three people will ask her where she got them, but no one will ever find such marvelous boots again. 4. The Creepy Predator Usually an accountant-looking guy in his early 40s, he is clearly out of place among the younger faces. He'll dress according to what he believes someone half his age will find hip in an attempt to lure some young thing back home with him. Do not, however, confuse him with... 5. The Aging Rock Critic Chances are he would have come to the show even if he weren't on assignment, but the free admission always helps. Most of the time, especially during the opening acts, he'll try to explain to his companion why the opening band is a cheap copy of some indie band no one has ever heard of. On occasion, however, the band will catch his fancy and he will suddenly become... 6. The Raving Fan This person will hoot between songs, nod knowingly during solos and grin madly while the object of their affection is on stage. Sometimes, this adoration will have sexual overtones, but usually it's merely the result of sheer joy. Often, this individual can be identified simply by the quantity of merchandise he has purchased. 7. The Bouncer with a Heart of Gold Built like a Sherman tank, this person could easily pound you into a tiny ball, which he would then deftly kick into the nearest garbage can. If you ask his friends, however, they'll all tell you that it's merely a front and that underneath he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to know. 8. The Shrieker Inevitably, she stands right behind you, usually a little to the left. Her enthusiastic screaming could place her in the "Raving Fan" category, but whereas the Raving Fan is relatively harmless, the Shrieker has been directly linked to brain tumors. 9. The Stoner Brave Enough to Smoke in Public Although rarely seen, you can smell him as soon as the lights go down and the band takes the stage. 10. The Crying Girl No one knows why she cries. Maybe it's an ex-boyfriend, a stolen jacket or overwhelming musical passion. Nevertheless, she sits in the back corner and sobs while everyone else steals voyeuristic glances at her and kills time between sets guessing what is troubling her. 11. The Drunk Person Who Has Made Regular, Annoying Pilgrimages Through the Crowd to Get to the Bar, and Now Suddenly Needs to Get to the Bathroom Pronto! This person annoyed you the first six or seven times he/she shoved past you, blatantly disregarding your personal space and slopping beer all over you. Now, you must fight the urge not to let him/her past you, lest you wear the contents of his/her stomach. 12. The People Who Came to Socialize with Each Other Ever seen these assholes? They show up at a show, stand right in front and then proceed to carry on a loud conversation as the band attempts to play. Hey, if you haven't seen each other in years, go have your reunion in a restaurant or something.) 13. Asshole Mosh-Pit Guy This is the guy who is permanently stuck in a thrash show. You could be calmly watching Red House Painters, Low, Auburn Lull, Labradford (you know, something really chilled out) and this guy comes flying through the air, rams you in the back, and you go scrambling three rows of people forward slamming into ten other people who now subsequently think that YOU are the Asshole Mosh-Pit Kid. This same jackass kid gets his butt kicked at least once a show. I knew the next generation was brain-dead when I saw girls moshing at a Doors cover band show years ago! That guy left though... he's been replaced all the more efficiently by 14. Crowd-Surfing-Guy/Girl (which, IMO is infinitely worse than Asshole Mosh-Pit Guy). Crowdsurfing is the sure fire way to get a nonviolent person like me to punch random people. Something about a boot to the base of your skull to really release all your anger on an unsuspecting 15 year old... I almost felt sorry for that girl... nah. and then some more generic characters 15. the guy or girl who bought their tshirt before the show and now has to hold it awkwardly the whole time because its too big for any of their pockets. 16. the two guy/one girl showgoing party. the girl is always cute, and is either dating one or none of the guys. the guys both make her lots of mix tapes that she'll never be able to finish istening to. neither really have a chances with that girl, she's looking for the most "in my mind, i'm in suede" guy in the room. 17. the person who thinks [insert genre] means dressing like you're in the [insert 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's]. 18. pedal fetishists- immediately after they get their hand stamped, they saunter, oh so casually, but oh so intently, up to the stage and try not to act like they can scope every effect box on the floor. these people are hardcore. i've seen them ditch their dates at the door, pass up relatively empty bars, merch tables, all just to see what's gonna get some stomping that night. these aren't just guitar snobs, guitar snobs can check most everything out while the show is going on. pedal fetishists, by contrast, are people nerdy/precise enough to get to the show early. 19." I Can't Tell if I'm Stevie Nicks or Patricia Morrison" Girl- she's kinda goth, she's kinda hippie, but no matter how dark the dye is, the Birkenstocks let you know she's more Marley than Murphy.
