In a message dated 3/24/2001 10:45:55 AM Central Standard Time,
[EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
> . I hope I
> haven't bored anyone to tears but I couldn't let this opportunity to
> share how Joni got *me* through it.
>
cassy,
what a truly wonderful story. you made me think what i would do in such a
situation. cant say, but hopefully, something if not joni could inspire me
the way you were. thanks for sharing your story. kammy
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From: "cassy" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: "Joni List" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
References: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: Re: Lesson in Survival
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 11:31:46 -0500
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> Anyone else have crucial "Joni got me through it songs?" Let us
know!
Many of you don't know (those who met me before the Pine Knob show do)
that in the last couple of years I have suffered from two strokes.
The first caused me to lose my ability to speak for a long time, the
second, far more debilitating, had me hospitalized for a couple of
weeks and living in a rehabilitation center for two months. The
second stroke also left me wheelchair-bound for many months and until
modern science realized all I needed was a little left-side support (a
brace) I could not do many of the things we all take for granted.
As I sat, in a deep state of depression, in my hospital bed ringing
the bell, futiley, for the nurse to take me to the bathroom before I
lost control and all sense of dignity, I had a lot of time for
self-evaluation and deep thought. Joni's lyrics came to me in bits
and pieces, in dreams and just out of the blue when I least expected
them. I had time to think about the kind of person I'd dreamed of
being and the reality of the person I'd become. I knew that some of
the lyrics weren't written with my situation in mind nor did they
really mean what I applied them to in terms of how they related to me
at that time, for example "when you dig down deep, you lose good sleep
and it makes you heavy company," but I had lived with Joni's words for
all of my adult life and as many of you know it's hard to go through
something traumatic and NOT think of a few of SIQUOMB's lyrics. I
digress...
The very excellent question at hand, "Joni got me through it" songs.
At various times in my life different Joni songs have pulled me
through but the ones that come to mind most vividly during this time
are "Trouble Child" and "Down to You." I was physically a shell of my
former self, I was depressed and didn't want to live let alone get out
of bed each day to be tortured by physical, speech and occupational
therapists who had the annoying habit of daring to be cheerful when I
wanted to wallow in self-pity.
Thom (my husband, my hero, my life), brought me a portable CD player
and some headphones so I could perhaps let the music start to heal me
from the inside out. He had a hard time deciding on which CDs to
bring for me since I have quite a large selection to choose from and
he hadn't been with me long enough, then, to know my favorites, he
brought "Court & Spark" among others.
I waited until late at night when my insomnia often had me alone,
awake in the dark. I had savored the moment I would play C&S, like a
child who has saved their favorite candy bar until all the other kids
have gone home so they wouldn't have to share a single bite with the
others, mouth almost watering in anticipation of the pleasure I knew I
would find as the first strains of piano filtered across my ears. I
listened more carefully than I ever remember listening before, knowing
my own mortality now as I never had in the past. My mind eased into
another world, my secret world of Joni. My heart-rate slowed, my
breathing became easier and I felt myself relax for the first time in
weeks as I let myself be carried away on the familiar flights and
phrases of her fingers dancing across the keys.
Until that night, Court and Spark had not been one of my favorite Joni
recordings, I listened the familiar tunes silently until "Trouble
Child" and as I melted into the lyrics and applied them to my current
situation I cried my eyes out, sobbing until I was wrung dry of
emotion, feeling sorry for myself and yet knowing it was time to live
again, after all I had so much to live for: a child who needed a
mother, a new love who seemed to be sticking by me regardless of the
fact he wasn't getting all that he'd bargained for when we entered
into our relationship.
That night was a metamorphosis for me, I clicked back and listened to
"Down to You," again, I realized that I couldn't sit around waiting
for someone to wave a magic wand for me and make things the way they
used to be, it just wasn't going to happen, it did come down to me, no
one else could give me the drive and spirit it would take to get as
back to normal as was possible for me and I could lie there and let my
dreams go over the dam and watch my right to be human go over with
them or I could motivate and stem the flood.
I didn't go to sleep until the wee hours of the next morning and was
exhausted when the nurses came around to take vitals and wake us for
yet another day of torture. The difference that day was that I knew I
was finally going to draw from within, no one was "giving" me anything
except a little push to find my inner strength and man I needed that
push many times over the next few months as I struggled to re-learn
the simplest of tasks. It hadn't come as such a shock to know I
really had no one, I knew it all along, I just needed a little
reminder that I had to find the strength within me to recover. It all
came down to the "river of changing faces" (the rehab staff) and above
all to me.
It feels wierd to give so much of myself out in a post to a public
list, I am not one, usually, to share a whole lot of myself with
strangers, but I see others doing it all the time here and it seems to
be a pretty safe place to let people see our deeper selves. I hope I
haven't bored anyone to tears but I couldn't let this opportunity to
share how Joni got *me* through it.
Cassy
NP: "Car On a Hill" Joni Mitchell
