my first love, the man for whom i wrote a novel, was a leo. his birthday is
today. he is 45.
when i was 15 years old i met daniel at church. he was 21. he was talking to
a group of teenagers in a semi-circle next to the tabernacle. they had just
finished a retreat. it was a summer afternoon, a week before my 16th
birthday. a painfully bright afternoon, breezy, and still cool in the shade.
i had been relentlessly followed by an older gentleman, the kind of
homosexual you don't see anymore these days: grey hair, sun glasses, a silk
scarf. i was lean, muscular, tanned. i took refuge in the church.
the old gentleman said, ''you are so hard-hearted. what have they done to
you, child?'' i turned my head towards the altar -- not necessarily looking
for divine help but rather trying to get away from the gentleman's perfume.
and there he was. daniel. light blue shirt and jeans. hazel eyes.
god had been infinitely kind but so unwise to create such a beautiful man.
how could we pray not to be led into temptation when we would sooner die
than be delivered from evil?
daniel worked in a factory and he studied history. even at 21 he had a bald
spot, his sandy hair unfashionably longish for 1976. his brow was so like
james taylor's. i didn't know james taylor then. i started buying his
records because he looked like daniel.
i loved daniel in silence, in whispers, in screams. i loved him so much that
i gave him the manuscript of the only novel i ever wrote on his 23rd
birthday, on july 23 1979. i gave him the manuscript so that he could do
what he pleased with it. if i had had a child i would have given my child to
him. if i had had the body of a woman i would have given my body, my youth,
my immaculate obsession to him. my soul would have been my dowry.
as it was, he never read my novel.
daniel lastra. his last name was an anagram of astral.
all the crazy things i did for and over you. why, daniel, i haven't changed
a bit. look at me now, still speaking about you.
you must have children now. soon they will be the age i was when i first saw
you.
wallyK
to all the leo men in the world, especially pat siresorrow
