Hi. Talking with friends and driving the freeways today convince me that Thanksgiving vacation has already begun. So here's a bit of meaningful fun for stay-near-homes. I just got turned on to this hilarious site, of which the news conference is just one of many. Click on these websites for a very full monte. Thanks to Deb Lagutaris. Ed
<http://www.reachm.com/amstreet/archives/2005/11/06/the-committee-for-investigating-the-obvious-is-called-to-order/> or <http://investigatingtheobvious.notlong.com> November 6, 2005 The Committee For Investigating the Obvious is called to order At a press conference this morning, President Bushky announced he'd appointed a committee to investigate everybody he ever appointed or ran for office with, including the committee he just appointed. "I'm bound and determined to get to the bottom of all the reports that Vice President Boss Hawg and Cooter Libby and Turdblossom were doing bad things like lying and revenging an American diplomat and telling our soldiers to fuck the terrorists and give them the rack," he stated firmly, with steely resolve, "because one thing I've learned is that Americans will say 'you're doing a heckuva job, Bushky' when I act concerned and order investigations and stuff." "Helen?" Helen Thomas: "Mr. President, how can your investigation committee investigate those guys when you appointed Cheney, Libby and Rove to be the entire committee?" Bushky: "That's a good question, Helen. Just watch them and they'll show you how it's done. But before they investigate themselves, they'll be investigating who leaked the information to you that they were conducting this investigation, since it's classified information." "Brian?" Brian Williams: "Mr. President, it's been reported by an unnamed source that Vice President Cheney and Defense Secretary Rumsfeld have been a tag team in every Republican administration and have been in the middle of every foreign policy fiasco Republican administrations have been involved with over the past 35 years. Is that true?" Bushky: "Who told you that?" Brian Williams: "Dick Cheney." Bushky: " That can't be true, because when Dick headed my transition team, I told him to carefully investigate my potential running mates to make sure they never were involved in any potentially unethical things. And Dick assured me, when he narrowed the list to only himself, that he was perfectly clean." "And I trust Dick so completely that I named my daughter, Jenna, after him." Tim? Tim Russert: "Mr. President, I understand you've taken the bold and leaderly step of sending the top officials in your administration to ethics classes. And I really think that's super and visionary, don't you?" Bushky: "Good question, Tim. Yes, I felt a remedial.. I mean, refresher course would be good for morale, by reminding my staff that even if they've made an error or two, they've been following a majority of the commandments, which is pretty good compared to some people I was raised with. And in an effort to streamline the ethics regulatory process, I even narrowed the Ten Commandments down to eight." "Judy?" Judith Miller: "Mr. President, since we're winning the war on Iraq, and Afghanistan is a democracy now, where else do you think we should bomb next to force the barbaric natives to vote for people you pick?" Bushky: "I was thinking it should be California, Judith, because it appears the natives are thinking about replacing their elected leader with a shadowy figure who tries to invade the governor's stage. And everyone knows he's been linked to bombs and his wife is an environmental terrorist." And then I think we'll attack Virginia, because, after letting Bin Laden slip through our hands, I'm not going to rest until we get Hitler, too. "Bob?" Bob Schieffer: "Since you mentioned the environment, sir, is there truth to the rumor that the House is planning to pass a bill to allow oil companies to drill the oily sebaceous glands on the faces of the pimply adolescents in Miss Fringle's seventh grade classroom in Springfield?" Bushky: "Well, Bob, it's important to end our dependency on foreign oil, Bob, and yes, the House leadership is convinced that the gallon and a half of oil available annually there could significantly lower gasoline costs for Americans." "Bill?" Bill O'Reilly: Good morning Mr. President. Despite the wonderful job you've done in Iraq, there are now some disloyal ingrates who are reporting there's something crooked about Halliburton's excellent rebuilding adventure in Iraq. And some particularly anti-democracy traitors are saying that Vice President Cheney has been profiteering from his old company. What would you say to discredit those liberal terrorist-huggers?" Bushky: "As you know, Bill, I've long said that Halliburton's no-bid contracts and windfall profits, and Dick's former CEO position with them was nothing more than a coincidence. But Dick has now convinced me it's the perfect example of the existence of Intelligent Design." "John?" John Adams (incredulous): "Mr. President, surely you don't mean by that statement that you think the Vice President is God, do you?" (Hat tip to Avedon Carol) Bushky: "No, that would be Rumsfeld." (smirk) "Seriously, though, each morning when Dick rolls back the stone and emerges from his crypt, it does make me wonder." "Greg?" Greg Palast: It's being reported that Americans now believe that you knowingly used forged documents and sources known to be liars to make your case for attacking Iraq. And the latest polls suggest you have only 35% who approve of your performance anymore. What do you attribute your fall in popularity to?" Bushky: Greg, the Poles were among the people who joined our Coalition of the Fawning Sycophants in Iraq, and the last Pope was a Pole, as well. So I'm not about to respond to your Polish jokes, but I do have some good blonde jokes, if you're interested." "Andrea?" Andrea Mitchell: "Mr. President, is it true your committee intends to investigate whether I can be objective about your administration's economic policies when Big Al rides me every night like a well-preserved Shetland pony? And whether the bear that used to boink me really made me frigid?" Bushky: "I just know Big Al's done a heckuva job, Andrea, and your question's certainly controlled my inflation, as did the video someone leaked to me." "Peter?" Peter Jennings: "Mr. President, I can't ask any questions because I'm still dead." Bushky: "I also plan to have the investigation committee investigate whether cigarette smoking causes cancer to determine whether that's how you came to be dead. And then they'll be tasked with determining who it is exactly I'm talking to here, because I really mean business." "Jeff?" Jeff Gannon-Guckert: "See? I am a journalist. This proves it, because you called on me." Bushky: "So why are you humping the leg of that Sergeant-at-Arms?" Gannon-Guckert: "I'm a real journalist, Mr. President, and this is what real journalists do." "Lois?" Lois Lane: Mr. President, some critics charge that nobody could be as dishonest or inept as you, and that you are really just a fictional character. But you sure aren't Superman. You're not even as competent as Clark Kent. So who are you?" Bushky: "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer." (Clicks the heels of his red shoes together, disappears, and wakes up on a cot in a Kansas farmhouse.) By Kevin Hayden 1:32 pm Breach of Ethics, Media critique, Comedy & Satire, Capital Investigations, Bush Games *** ----- Original Message ----- From: Michael Schwartz Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2005 2:06 PM Subject: Reply to anti-Republican humor comments from Dan Clawson, well taken: I would think you'd be very happy, and so should we all: 1. The REPUBLICANS sponsor a let's-get-out-of-Iraq-when-we-can resolution. 2. A leading Democratic conservative and hawk, a Vietnam combat veteran, calls for immediate withdrawal and everyone takes it seriously. 3. Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald re-opens his investigation of the cover-up related to war intelligence. 4. Tom DeLay's former aide turns on him and cuts a deal with prosecutors. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ----- Original Message ----- From: "Michael Schwartz" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2005 3:13 PM Subject: Anti-Republican humor FROM a Friend of a friend: Did you happen to see the action in the House of Reps today? I thought I was watching the British parliament. The dems were actually screaming at republican congressmen speaking against that "coward", nam vet Jack Murtha. I can't wait to see what the republican "lets attack another vet" team will be doing in the coming days. I just heard on cnn that they are asking for a special investigator to look into Murtha's brother's lobbying company. Is there a congressman or senator who doesn't have a relative or close friend involved in lobbying? I predict that the swift boat commanders will write a new book which will reveal: -- Murtha got his purple hearts when he was shot in the ass while running away from 12 year old viet cong quadrapelegic. -- Murtha's service revolver was used in the murder of Robert Blake's wife. -- as a 5 year old toddler in Tutor Time he admitted being a member of the communist party. -- Murtha's 90 year old mother is an undercover agent for the C.I.A -- Murtha had a two year sexual affair with Al Franken IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY ---- OR WHAT !!! ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> DonorsChoose.org helps at-risk students succeed. Fund a student project today! http://us.click.yahoo.com/LeSULA/FpQLAA/E2hLAA/7gSolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- LAAMN: Los Angeles Alternative Media Network --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unsubscribe: <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Digest: <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Help: <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Post: <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Archive1: <http://www.egroups.com/messages/laamn> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Archive2: <http://www.mail-archive.com/[EMAIL PROTECTED]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/laamn/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
