December 20, 2002

The Bush Rape Story
Is the Media Ignoring Zippergate 2?
There is a story floating around the Internet that is being ignored by the
mainstream press. Normally, this would be a good thing because, le's face
it, information from the Internet is about as reliable as an airline's
baggage handling department. For instance, just last week, I received
another e-mail from someone claiming that Bill Gates would give me all of
his money if I forwarded the e-mail to ten friends.

Nevertheless, the story in question is 100% accurate. In fact, anyone with a
computer and a modem can verify the story by downloading court documents.
However, the accuracy of the story does not seem to be enough for the media.
Apparently, this story does not meet its threshold of "responsible

Fortunately, if you've ever read my column, then you know that I am neither
professional nor a journalist. Therefore, I will be happy to break the story
for you.

President Bush is being accused of rape. This allegation is part of a
lawsuit filed by a Texas woman, Margie Schoedinger. According to the
complaint filed on December 3rd in Fort Bend County, Texa
<> s, the
President and his men are accused of repeatedly kidnapping, drugging and
raping Mrs. Schoedinger and possibly her husband.

No, I am not making his up. To be honest, I'm not nearly this creative. If I
were, I'd be a novelist and not a humorist.

According to the complaint, in the fall of 2000, three unknown assailants
attempted unsuccessfully to kidnap Schoedinger. When she reported the crime
to the Sugar Land Police Department (remember, I'm not making this up), she
was harassed by the police. She was treated similarly by the FBI. To make
matters worse, her bank accounts were frozen, her husband lost his job, her
academic records were expunged and she became the subject of 24-hour

According to the complaint, this treatment was orchestrated by none of than
the President of the United States. Schoedinger claims that Bush is
attempting to pressure her into committing suicide. Of course, you may be
asking why would the President do such a thing?

Well, according to the plaintiff, she personally asked Bush the very same
question. Bush allegedly replied that he is concerned that Schoedinger may
remember the numerous and repeated acts of sexual assault he has committed
against her and her husband. His original plan was to simply kill the
plaintiff. But since he couldnt go through with it, he decided to simply
drive her crazy instead.

In her lawsuit, Schoedinger is asking for $50 million for "emotional
distress, loss of freedom and ability to pursue Plaintiff's own dreams,
alienation of affection from Plaintiff's spouse, loss of privacy, being
disparaged on the Internet, and loss of Plaintiff's ability to be a
Christian writer."

Now, before you label me as a "crackpot" (although I suspect it's probably
too late for that), let me just say that I am somewhat skeptical of the
plaintiff's claims in this case. For one, the thought of the President
repeatedly abducting a woman to sexual assault her and her husband strikes
me as far-fetched. After all, we are talking about President George W. Bush
not President Dennis Rodman.

The second clue that perhaps these allegations are unfounded is the fact
that the plaintiff filed the complaint "pro se" or without the benefit of an
attorney. In America, there are approximately 1 million lawyers, 990,000 of
whom are desperately looking for work. The fact that Schoedinger could not
find even one lawyer to represent her in this matter may something about the
credibility of her claims.

Nevertheless, in my view, this does not absolve the mainstream media from
its responsibility to cover the news. This lawsuit is not rumor or innuendo.
It's a fact. Sure, the allegations are ridiculous but perhaps no more so
than Trent Lott's claims that Strom Thurmond would have made a great
president. Yet, the media has had no trouble covering the Lott story
incessantly for the last two weeks.

Of course, some would argue that this type of story unnecessarily sullies
the President's reputation. This is simply not true. Now, that you've read
this story, do you any less respect for the President?

In fact, if a story like this does anything, it actually makes us more
sympathetic towards the President. For instance, in the past, I have made
fun of Bush's almost daily verbal gaffes. And, of course, I'll continue to
do so in the future. But I will feel bad about doing so from now on. After
all, if I had women accusing me of raping them and their husbands, perhaps
I'd suffer a few lapses in conjugation myself.

In short, the media should have reported the filing of this lawsuit. The
media should trust the American people to be able to distinguish the truth
from the lies.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

LAAMN: Los Angeles Alternative Media Network
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