Letters to Santa Claus
by David Macaray / December
10th, 2010
Dear Santa,
Admittedly, mistakes have been made. I am not perfect. I was
brought up to believe in two slogans: Greed Is Good, and Buyer Beware.
If ambition is a crime, then I plead guilty. If providing for your
family is a crime, I plead guilty. If fraud and embezzlement are
crimes, I plead guilty to 11 federal counts, and nolo contendere to 44 others.
Please bring me a full pardon. I’m an old man. Don’t let me die in prison.
Sincerely,
Bernard Madoff
Dear Santa,
This Christmas, all we ask is that you bring us President Obama’s brain in a
glass jar. We already have his heart and balls.
Yours truly,
The Republican Party
Dear Santa,
I have been a good boy this year. Let me clarify the truth value of
that statement. It falls within the standard deviation and generally
accepted parameters of “good: and “bad” (with allowances made for
situational ethics, unexpected opportunities, and circumstances beyond
my control). While I’m rich, famous and adored by people who have no
reason to even like me, I am now very bored. Please bring me a new
career.
Sincerely,
Alan Greenspan
To Whom It May Concern,
cc: North Pole trade representatives
cc: Santa, elves, helpers
I’ve been advised to contact your team. Not that we’re ungrateful,
but we need more. More of everything. While the voters, the Congress
and the Supreme Court have all done their part to reward Big Business,
we need more. Pluto may no longer be a planet, but plutocracy is still
the name of the game — if you get my drift. Let’s arrange a meeting.
Regards,
Thomas Donohue
President and CEO, U.S. Chamber of Commerce
Dear Santa,
Like all good Americans who want to see their country remain strong
and liberty ring out its proud name for all to help keep us free in
order to refudiate the lies of our enemies and the mainstream media.
Please bring my family prosperity. Do I consider you a Socialist
because you’re a foreigner who encourages people to rely on free gifts?
You betcha.
In Freedomship,
Sarah Palin
Santa,
I need a favor, and I don’t want to hear any happy horseshit about
who’s been “naughty or nice.” My kids want presents. And even though I
can afford to buy them any fucking thing they need, they want Santa to do it.
Any objections you have, you can stick up your ass. How do we make this
happen? Get back to me ASAP.
Rahm Emmanuel
Dear Brother Claus,
This year I’m asking that you bring U.S. workers the gift of job
security, livable wages, and decent benefits. It would mean a lot.
Because most of your toys are made in China, I was reluctant to write
you. But you’re our last hope, Santa. The Democrats have warned us to
keep away. They don’t want to “spook the market.” Which means the
American worker is now on his own. Please do what you can. Merry
Christmas.
In Solidarity,
Richard Trumka
President, AFL-CIO
Dear Santa Claus,
I assume you’re a Jew, and that you’re willing to help other Jews.
My country needs your assistance. Although we are surrounded by hostile
neighbors who wish to annihilate us, much of the world still blames
Israel. They call us Zionists. Could you put in a good word for us?
Tell people we want peace. Tell them we want to live in harmony. Tell
them also that we never forget, that if they don’t heed your words, we
will learn their identities and hunt them down.
Respectfully,
Benjamin Netanyahu
Prime Minister
David Macaray, a Los Angeles playwright and
author (It’s Never Been Easy: Essays on Modern Labor), was a former union rep.
He can be reached at: [email protected]. Read other articles by David.
http://dissidentvoice.org/2010/12/letters-to-santa-claus/#more-26333
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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