http://www.borowitzreport.com/2012/03/14/a-response-from-goldman-sachs/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having trouble reading this email? Click here to view online. MARCH 14, 2012 A Response from Goldman Sachs >From Chairman Lloyd Blankfein NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) The following letter to Goldman Sachs worldwide clients was issued today by Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein: Dear Goldman Client: By now, many of you have probably read the regrettable resignation letter published in todays New York Times by former Goldman executive Greg Smith, explaining why he is leaving the firm after twelve years. In the letter, in which he excoriates Goldman and his practices, Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards. And as you read his words, you no doubt asked yourself this troubling question: how could Goldman have hired such a person? At Goldman, we pride ourselves on our ability to scour the worlds universities and business schools for the finest sociopaths money will buy. Once in our internship program, these youths are subjected to rigorous evaluations to root out even the slightest evidence of a soul. But, as the case of Mr. Smith shows, even the most time-tested system for detecting shreds of humanity can blow a gasket now and then. For that, we can only offer you our deepest apology and the reassurance that one good apple wont spoil the whole bunch. As to those of you who were serviced by Mr. Smith, its understandable that you would be concerned about who will be taking his place going forward. On that front, I have some exciting news: today, Goldman is pleased to announce that our new executive director and head of the United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa will be Mr. Joseph Kony. For those unfamiliar with Mr. Konys resume, let me assure you that he has the character and moral standards you have come to expect from Goldman, and like the rest of us here at the bank, he has dedicated his life to doing the Lords work. Sincerely, Lloyd Blankfein CEO, Goldman Sachs **** SEE ANDY BOROWITZ IN A SPECIAL FREE SHOW WITH LEWIS BLACK - NEXT TUESDAY IN NYC **** Upcoming Events > March 20, 2012 at 07:00 PM > New York Free Show! > Come to a free live taping of a new radio show with Andy and Lewis Black. For free tickets, send request to [email protected] > LOCATION: > The Greene Space, 44 Charlton Street NYC > For tickets go to The Greene Space > > > The Borowitz Report: Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend. > Sign up today for your own Borowitz Reports. > Remove me from this list. > > > ------------------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Links ------------------------------------ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- LAAMN: Los Angeles Alternative Media Network --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unsubscribe: <mailto:[email protected]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: <mailto:[email protected]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Digest: <mailto:[email protected]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Help: <mailto:[email protected]?subject=laamn> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Post: <mailto:[email protected]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Archive1: <http://www.egroups.com/messages/laamn> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Archive2: <http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/laamn/ <*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional <*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/laamn/join (Yahoo! ID required) <*> To change settings via email: [email protected] [email protected] <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [email protected] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
