It must be the season for southerners... here's another:
SOUTHERNERS KNOW
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference
between a hissie fit
and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,
you "PITCH"
them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish,
collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to
you the general
direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is - as
in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that
"Gimme some sugar"
is not a request for the white, granular sweet
substance that sits in
a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and
by" is.. They
might
not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that
the best gesture
of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate
of hot fried
chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the
neighbor's
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a
large banana
puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the
difference
between "mite near" and "a right far piece." They
also know
that "just down the road a ways" can be 1 to 20
miles, depending...
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the
car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be
used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term
"booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol'
booger," or
something that jumps out at you in the dark and
scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while
standing in lines. We
don't do "queues," we do "lines," and when we're "in
line," we talk
to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of
them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as
"y'all." They
also know the plural of "y'all" is "all y'all".
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and
how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs,
bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy
is also
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not
a breakfast
food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught
myself lookin' .. ,"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet
tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we
do not like our
tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want
buttermilk.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at
little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.
You just
say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
21.) True Southerners know that dinner is eaten at
noon and supper is
served as the last meal for the day.
Clay - a southerner, and proud of it!
Clay Blackwell
Lynchburg, VA
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