As a child -- y'all know how uncompromising childen can be -- I had a problem lying, even in a "good cause"... Used to embarass my parents no end, and my Mother in particular tried to get me more civilised, especially after my famous/infamous but, definitely, un-gracious reception of a 6th b-day gift (a box of chocolates): "I don't like chocolate; wish you'd bought me a *book*".
My Mother's "gentling" had *some* effect; 30+ yrs in Virginia, under my DH's (who came to Poland announced as "the last gentleman of the South" <g>) tutelage smoothed the hard edges *some* more... But I still don't like to lie; the "core" has remained rough<g> Nor do I like to be "beholden". And, being put in a situation where I'm *both* -- beholden and forced to lie -- is beyond contemplation...
Which is why I never joined any of the Secret Pal exchanges; *having to* think of something clever to send out, for 6 months running, *and* with a deadline is a problem. But nowhere near as big a problem as having to gush -- in public, yet -- over something that I didn't particularly like getting... *Not* my cup o'T :)
Recently, however, I got (from an e-friend) a *formula* Thank-You note, which, perhaps, might ease my entry into the ranks of the SP echanges... I'm enclosing it in hopes it will help those of you who're as "gush-shy" as I am:
"Dear Secret Pal, I came back from a hard day at _____ and I was thrilled to
find your ____ in my mailbox!!!!! I mean, here I was feeling so crummy with
my family member ____ and my husband running away with ____ and my son being
arrested again for _____, but your little _____ just made the sun shine into
my dreary little life!!! It lifted my spirits and made my heart soar!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but the staff at _____ Home had to take the ____ out of your
treasure. We're not allowed to have sharp objects except under close
supervision, especially after therapy sessions."
The "formula" has, also, made me think (again), about the relative importance of good manners vs unvarnished truth, and what the best middle ground between them might be, should they come into conflict... A couple of people have written me -- within the past 24 hrs -- about their *unhappy* experiences with the SP exchanges. I'd judge one as "somewhat aggrieved" and the other as "very aggrieved"; only one of them (very aggrieved) has decided to do anything about it (report to the organiser), and then only because I'd already opened the can of worms...
Manner over matter, for sure; excellent for "giving the finger" to old Karl (Marks), who claimed thaat matter was all that counted :) But...
If one always keeps the stiff upper lip, manfully swallows one's disappointments, writes the "correctly gushing" thank-you notes no matter the personal dissatisfaction, and never admits to feeling "I've been had", because it's so unworthy, or because it's too small a matter to raise a big stink about... The organiser has no idea of the true feelings of the participants, unless she's *told*. What's more, the *sender* might not be aware that she's being seen as "deficient" (though, if one spends some time reading all the TY notes, one gets *some* idea of what's being circulated). As a result, the "deficiencies" continue to be perpetrated, the grievances fester, but everyone suffers in polite silence...
Stuff it... ----- Tamara P Duvall Lexington, Virginia, USA Formerly of Warsaw, Poland http://lorien.emufarm.org/~tpd/
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