RETIREMENT WITH A GRIN
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement,
as everyone does when they hit 45.
I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there
is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on
reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount
and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for
breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It
also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer
and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And
I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff
scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the
church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport
shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at
the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand,
Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one
place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light
bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix
everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and
Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no
worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you,
and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more
benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have
coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy
a cosy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your
children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or
restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday
Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have
special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your
grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them
not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can
keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish
about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever
you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little
absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding
your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman
or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural sceptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively
giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered
to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a
night!
"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"
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