Thought you'd appreciate these hints....
Sue
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two
bottles
of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your
legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've
taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements,
tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from
the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years
you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof
of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs
than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a
handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your
goldfish bowl makes the fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles
of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing
Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive
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