In an upside-down world, one can get paid for doing nothing.
The following shows you how to do it (tongue-in-cheek article from
Resurgence magazine)
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*Dear Secretary of State,*
MY FRIEND, WHO is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque
for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would
now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I
approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as
dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you
want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very
satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the most he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is,
until this year – when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing fifty pigs, will I get £6,000 for not
rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the
first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be
more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my
second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your
department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive
tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and
polluting methane gases?
Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000
tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to
not feed the pigs I don’t rear?
I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send
any information you have on that too.
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed,
and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
/Emailed by an anonymous Resurgence reader
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Agnes Boddington - Elloughton UK
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