Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Lawyer Jokes
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in
laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to
human beings.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What educational programs should the United States support to
alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? Japanese language
lessons for lawyers.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral
disability.
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a
person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal
gets arrested? A lawyer.
What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A
good start.
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? Not
enough cement.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? The
bucket.
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
>From chasing parked ambulances.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him? It might be your bicycle.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.
How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who
knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other
three are mythological creatures.
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most
toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein
and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets.
Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in
the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
--------------
STEREOTYPES OF THE GREEK SYSTEM
"Frat Guy Divulges Fraternity Myths, Addresses Stereotypes"
I am a frat guy. I live in a frat house. I go to frat parties.
I fight. I especially like to fight independents. I think if
indedpendents were cool they would have pledged a frat in the first
place. I know that independents are jealous of my social life. I
believe that I am more fun and can party harder than any GDI.
I am exclusive. I run dances. I am the brains behind Spring Break.
I am the reason road trips exist. I hope you enjoyed my homecoming
party last Friday.
I can recite the greek alphabet before the fire of a match burns
out. I can rattle off all of my founding father's as well as my
fraternity obligations, but I don't know the words to my school song
or my accounting profs last name.
I don't go to class. I never study. I devise elaborate schemes to
cheat on my exams. I don't buy books. I have a low GPA. I have an
endless supply of doctor notes from the campus health center.
I am thankful that my frat buddies will get me a job after graduation
because I know that I can't get one on my own.
I give more than $1,000 of my parents' money in social dues each year
to promote my frat's alcoholism problem. I drink because I am cool.
I drink alot because I am cooler than you. I serve alcohol to
minors. I urinate in public. I do keg stands and have keg parties.
I am the master at indians. I own you in quarters. I have never not
drinken in the game "I never". If I can't find my beer bong I know I
can find one next door. I don't binge drink-I continually drink. I
have a pre-party for the "pre-party".
I can dance.
I wear my letters. I billboard my frat on sweatshirts. Most of my
T-shirts are frat t's from frat parties. I wear long sleeved T-shirts
under short sleeved T's. I own many plaid button-downs. I tuck in the
front and let the back hang out. I own one baseball hat. I live in
my khakis. I wear Timberlands in the winter and sandles in the
summer. Sometimes I wear sandles in the winter because I can. I
drive a sports utility vehicle. I play with my dog in the front lawn.
My hair is a mess yet totally in style. I sometimes don't shave for
weeks at a time.
I am vogue.
Ladies love me, but more importantly, I know ladies love me. I will
never commit to just one girl. I don't wear condoms because it
doesn't feel as good. I believe a girl gives up her right to say "no"
if she is in my frat house after 1:30 a.m.
I am shady.
I don't care about what girls have to say. I only care about me. I
will say anything to get a girl into bed. I will say even more to get
a freshman girl in bed because I know she'll believe me.
I am a player.
I am loud and obnoxious wherever I go in public. I live in filth. I
enjoy the smell of old beer in carpet. I prefer a dingy frat house to
a clean apartment. I think living among rodents builds character. I
leave the seat up. I can't clean up after myself. I put on a great
front for parent's weekend. No one can see through me.
I know every word to every song by Willie Nelson, David Alan Coe, and
the Greatful Dead. I will sing them for you if I haven't picked up by
nights end. I can't remember my parents home phone number, but I do
know every digit to their calling card number.
I haze my pledges. I make them eat and drink things you would not
imagine. I make them clean my house. I emotionally scar them for
life. I abuse them physically. I make them cry. I then call them
wimps. I later call them my brother if they don't de-pledge along the
way.
I know hell week.
I am everything that is wrong in American. I am everything you wish
you could be.
I am a Frat Guy.
---------
Elementary!
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the
world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above
telling tales about himself in which he was the
laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells
it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway
station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his
suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell
the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked
him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was
flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by
sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you
before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think
that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This
morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in
Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return
from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me
you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right
index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your
clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all
those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing.
You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation,
Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver
said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of
your suitcase.''
-------------
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at
the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit
and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and two feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The
husband, noticing the excitement,suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle
her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr Gorilla gets even
more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does,
and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs, this drives the gorilla
absolute- ly crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife,
rips open the door to the cage, throws her in with the
gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
--
Kathy E
-----------------
Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier
assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the
phone.
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available
for use immediately?" the voice commanded.
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen
half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple
of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep,
sir."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, I do not!"
"That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"
--------------
Gosh, I loved that movie... The Highlander... Christopher Lampert...
A gorgeous guy with long hair... {deep sigh} Where do true
Champions go? Who will stand up to the Challenge?
"An Ultimate M&M Challenge"
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my
thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together
until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I
eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another
round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long
in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that
is misshapen, or pointer, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives
the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to
adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am
left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.
Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly
in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they
wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound
bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds,
we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one...
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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