Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through
the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his
heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with
his
hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally
caught
up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a
valid
fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box
of
rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he
don't have one."
----------
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man
said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked
to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan
for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
-------------
"How to Annoy the IRS" (Without Getting In Trouble!)
{It's definitely payback time - IRS has admitted to harassing us all
these years. Let's get 'em!}
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put
them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the
mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the
right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the
right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they
have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and
re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it
dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener
doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or
three party check. On top of paying with a third party check,
pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor
receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it
to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has
to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional.
Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a
single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted
differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to
the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so
the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly
envelope to your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign
fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be
verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with
the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you owe
money.
----------
The local farmers had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car
dealer in town. Then one day, the car dealer informed a farmer that he
was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the following price
information to the cow:
Basic Cow: $500.00
Two-tone exterior: $45.00
Extra stomach: $75.00
Product-storing equipment: $60.00
Straw chopper: $40.00
4 spigots@$30/each $120.00
Cowhide upholstery: $125.00
Dual horns: $15.00
Automatic fly swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer attachment: $185.00
--------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL: $1203.00
-----------
SUBJ: National Park Feedback From The Fresh-Air Challenged
The following are actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger-
Teton National Forest registration sheets and comment cards:
* Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
* Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service
needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of
visitors to wilderness.
* Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks
are more likely to chase animals.
* Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
* Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that
go uphill.
* Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please
spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
* Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the
winter.
* Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to
wonderful views without having to hike to them.
* The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals.
* A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is
there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call [phone number].
* Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can
hike at night with flashlights.
* Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
* Need more signs to keep area pristine.
* A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
* The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
* I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have
extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
* Too many rocks in the mountains.
--------------
P R E A M B L E
I'm not a fan of television quiz shows so I can't claim to have seen
"Family Feud". Maybe I'll start watching, though, if some of the
following answers from contestants are in fact "actual answers". That
what Nigel Leed <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> claims, anyway, but then bear in
mind that Nigel's an Australian <smile>
Y O U H E A R D I T O N F A M I L Y F E U D
1. Name something a blind person might use:
A sword
2. Name a song with moon in the title:
Blue suede moon
3. Name a bird with a long neck:
Naomi Campbell
4. Name an occupation where you need a torch:
A burglar
5. Name a famous brother and sister:
Bonnie & Clyde
6. Name a dangerous race:
The Arabs
7. Name an item of clothing worn by the three musketeers:
A horse
8. Name something that floats in the bath:
Water
9. Name something you wear on the beach:
A deckchair
10. Name something red:
My cardigan
11. Name a famous cowboy:
Buck Rogers
12. Name a famous royal:
Royal Mail
13. Something you do before going to bed:
Sleep
14. Something you put on walls:
Roofs
15. Something in the garden that's green:
Shed
16. Something that flies that doesn't have an engine:
A bicycle with wings
17. Something you might be allergic to:
Skiing
18. Name a famous bridge:
The bridge over troubled waters
19. Something a cat does:
Goes to the toilet
20. Something you do in the bathroom:
Decorate
21. Name an animal you might see at the zoo:
A dog
22. Something associated with the police:
Pigs
23. A sign of the zodiac:
April
24. Something slippery:
A con man
25. A kind of ache:
Fillet 'O' Fish
26. A food that can be brown or white:
Potato
27. A jacket potato topping:
Jam
28. A famous Scotsman:
Jock
29. Another famous Scotsman:
Vinnie Jones
30. Something with a hole in it:
Window
31. A non living object with legs:
Plant
32. A domestic animal:
Leopard
33. A part of the body beginning with 'N':
Knee
34. A way of cooking fish:
Cod
35. Something you open other than a door:
Your Bowels
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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