Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
1) What is your personal income level? Is it:
- Too much!
- Not enough money, but any more would make me evil.
- Whatever the government lets me keep.
- Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera
etcetera etcetera.
- I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a
national park.
2) Describe your family:
- I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who
joins us in our orgies. - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing
personal information. - I don't believe in families. - I don't believe
in the word "describe."
3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo? -
Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty. - Scooby
was never referred to as a Canine-American. - Velma is such a lesbian
stereotype. - Shaggy never shares his marijuana. - "Scooby Snack"
reward system encourages mass consumption. - Criminals are actually
put in prison.
4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you
- Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself. - Direct him to a
government agency that will help him. - Start a government agency that
will help him. - Respect his personal choice. - Give Senator Kennedy a
ride home.
5) I'm against school vouchers because...
- Bad teachers need jobs too!
- The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do
anything in its own interest. - A monopoly always yields better
results than competition.
6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
- A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat
purple magic marker. - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards
illegitimacy, and we're keeping it." - What would you like it to be? -
What time is it?
7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
- Whatever the Republicans are currently working on.
- A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!"
- White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless
they're Democrats.
- "Just say no to inhaling!"
- What would you like it to be?
- What time is it?
8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
- Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves
admiring. - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and
Redd Foxx. - If only I could lie so convincingly! - Hey! She puts up
with Bill! Give her some credit. - We need more strong, intelligent
women in prison.
9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him? -
Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead. - Appear in
a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo." - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!"
- Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy. - Annex the
Sudetenland and kill six million Jews. - Join the Republican party.
10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they
would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT. - Condoms. - Marijuana.
- Cocaine. - A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob
Lowe" - An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it.
- "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.
11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice
for the position of: - Vice President. - President. - Governor. -
Senator. - Environmental spokesman. - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice.
- Kindergarten teacher.
12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater
documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins
Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over
all relevant documents: - They were being used to line Sock's box. -
Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism. -
They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on
them. - That rascally David Copperfield again! - Hillary had them.
SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a
Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because
they're all so true, you're a Democrat.
----------
*Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil.
But you still don't want to get any on you.
*You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer.
*The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard
and the crud behind the refrigerator.
*I used to feel guilty about smashing bugs until I realized it's a
sport.
*And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your
sandwich.
*Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or
religion... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be
considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you
are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without
restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people
may now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their
lobbying efforts.
*I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360
degrees.
*Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog!
Bad dog!
*There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.
*All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your
problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.
*Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over
those who don't. And there will be a special name for them:
secretaries.
*In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert
way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway.
*Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life
will feel awful, but at least it will last longer.
*Before you defeat the competition, you must first subjugate the
other departments.
*It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing
better to do with their lives.
*Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time
for you? No? OK, we'll call back later.
*If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own
line of perfumes.
*If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll
blame it on Microsoft.
*Always put off dealing with time-wasting morons. If you would like
to know how... I'll get back to you on that.
*There's more to science than just hurting small animals, but it's
the part that's the most fun.
*What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
*Knowledge is power... But power corrupts... And corruption is a
crime... And crime doesn't pay... So if you keep on studying you'll
go broke!
*Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid
people have big mouths.
*Time slows down as you approach the speed of light... But time flies
when you're having fun... So if you walk slower, do you have more fun
or do you just get more light?
*It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere
animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to
"championship wrestling."
*One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.
*If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are
likely to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track
record.
*Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
*Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying
to strangers.
*To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana.
*When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
---------
The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam
==================================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answey
r: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying,
"I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of
the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
you there. I will not look again".
The Top 15 Movie Quotes We'd Like to See
(Part II)
15> "Go ahead, make my... Man, this gun is heavy!"
14> "Man, that corpse in the front seat of my prop plane is
*really* starting to reek."
13> "For the love of God, can't you people see it's not a woman
but a man *dressed* as a woman?!"
12> "Well, my Dear, let's just see if you give a damn when I hire
the best divorce lawyer in Atlanta and take you for half of
everything you've got!"
11> "All right. Track down the prop master and get the Orgasmatron
back on the set."
10> "I just felt a great disturbance in The Force -- or maybe it
was that pastrami sandwich."
9> "Frankly, my dear, I don't GIVE a rat's ass."
8> "McClain! You know that building you destroyed? It's coming
out of *your* paycheck!"
7> "If you build it, they will pay $45 for box seats."
6> "For cryin' out loud, Chewy -- use the friggin' sandbox,
willya?!
5> "I'm sorry, Dirk, but I'm just not into long-distance
relationships."
4> "Sorry Captain, I thought there was a Tribble on your head.
I'll buy you a new one."
3> "Use the fork, Luke."
2> "No, Monsieur, find something else -- I need the butter for
the quiche."
and the Number 1 Movie Quote We'd Like to See...
1> "Oh, my God! They killed Freddy! The bastards."
------------------
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
--------
How To Drive Them Crazy!
Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy Now, this is only a
joke, so don't try this at home!! ;-)
MEN:
1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide
them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring
Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains,
innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if
there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with
diesel. 7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a
different room each time.
8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who
"needs it more than he does."
10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long
visit unannounced.
12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a
camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you
don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
WOMEN:
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a
totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks
that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say
that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find
yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with
her. 8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.
(Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as
PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
------------
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
genitals.
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it
before.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone,
says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He
bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to
tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick".
And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick
markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone
often?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I
eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place youlook". Of course
it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that
thing over there. What did you come here for?
The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't
drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober
either Mr. Healey. You're blind as a fucking bat!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
------------
Politically Correct Terms
* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage
Facility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks
Perfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative
Destinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an
Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential
Relationships.
* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally
Horizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of
Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset
Infusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular
Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective
Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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