Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Service Oaths
US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the
United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and
because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and
take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who
take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form
of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the
United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I
know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy
the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all
those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of
that fact. After completion of my <snicker "Basic Training," I will
be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I
am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no
work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will
annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent
to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I
made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me
God.
___________________________________________
Signature
Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB
to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the
Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will
wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my
uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to
tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill
Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to
maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I
will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out
she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking
Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take
her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work
every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at
1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon
separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't
pass a placement exam. So help me God.
___________________________________________ Signature Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I
like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of
style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair
of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I
will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great
pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930
hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that
I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still
not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected
for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite
possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me
Neptune.
___________________________________________
Signature
Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... <grunt
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.
___________________________________________ Thumb Print
Date (Y/N)
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Believe What You Will
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around
and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.
"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such
places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and
quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed.
"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with
the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly
entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning
on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
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25 Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder
on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's
ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy
'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it,
raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's
"Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is
New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New
Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a
Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a
box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all
conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go
down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station
used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn
left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I
remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
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The Butcher and the Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop
and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.
The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and
a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a
ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages
and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides
to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog
puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he
waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It do, and
he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times,
and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at
the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the
dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the
bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog
gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind
legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up
the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the
door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws
himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the
door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall,
and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and
bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the
wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens
the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?
This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which
the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week
he's forgotten his key!"
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The Top 18 Signs Your Mechanic Is Losing It
18> That photo of a naked A.J. Foyt on his wall.
17> You catch him in his office making auto noises and
"shifting gears", if you know what I mean.
16> Replaces your fan belt with a pair of bikini underwear.
15> Embroidered "Mr. Bad-Ass Wrench" on his shirt.
14> Hose from air pump leads into his coveralls.
13> Keeps asking if you're sure you don't want a "lube job."
12> Still doing work for OJ and expecting to get paid.
11> Eats Go-Jo off finger as if it were peanut butter.
10> Giggles uncontrollably whenever anyone says, "lug nuts."
9> "Huh huh, he said 'dipstick'. Huh huh, huh huh."
8> Keeps asking you if you've seen that episode of Gilligan's
Island where they almost get rescued, but Gilligan screws
it up in the end.
7> Believes your Hyundai is possessed by the spirit of
Kim Il Sung.
6> Replaces diagnostic computer with Magic 8 Ball.
5> Urinates on your tire and says, "Just marking my turf."
4> Rewires the cruise control to the radio so that the
faster the music, the faster your car goes.
3> Owns no wrenches, but complete set of every size monkey.
2> Looks suspiciously like Joe Piscopo. Wait a minute --
He *IS* Joe Piscopo!
and the #1 Sign Your Mechanic Is Losing It...
1> Won't stop humming "The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round
and Round."
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Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only
problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall,
his
ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would
go
nuts and kick everything.
One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent
this
from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and
asked
what they were doing, so they explained the problem.
The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if
they
simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The
farmers
thanked their neighbor and he drove off.
Then the one farmer said to the other, "Some stupid neighbor we have,
it's
not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"
-----
"Bungee Jumping in Mexico"
Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in
Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. They pooled their
money and bought everything they'd need - a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc. They traveled to Mexico and begun to
set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. After they got it set up, they
noticed that the crowds gather, but nobody buys tickets....
Zeke tells Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll
get the idea."
After Zeb is strapped in, he jumps, falling almost all they way
to the ground before springing back.
As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all
torn and wondered what this is was all about.
Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does,
and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb
was bleeding!
Zeke thought, "Wow... what's going on here? Is the cord
too short? Is he touching ground?"
Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when
he sprung back up Zeke noticed that he had blood,
contusions, and cuts all over his body. "Huh?"
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb, totally dazed, groaned out in obvious pain,
"I don't know... but what's a piņata?"
-------
Really Important Stuff Kids Teach Us
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything
except poison ivy and a sun burn, you are still better off than
the
worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you are drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometime you have to take the test before you are finished
studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start asking for a horse.
13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your
nose.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the
way down.
19. You can't ask to start over just because you are losing the game.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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