Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Differences in the New, Friendlier IRS
16> Old form: "1090" New form: "10-40, Good Buddy!"
15> Prank "Get Out of Jail Free" card sent with audit notice.
14> After particularly painful audits, agents don dark glasses
and flash "Men In Black" memory eraser thingy in your face.
13> "Tax shelters" now referred to as "Thatched-Roof Income
Cottages."
12> Coffee and tea served while agents wait for Viagra pills
to take effect.
11> Instead of kicking you in the family jewels with an iron boot,
agents now kick you in the family jewels with a more forgiving
penny loafer.
10> All audits conducted in the comfort of Willie Nelson's former
home.
9> Rectal probes now warmed to room temperature before audits.
8> Just say "Supersize It!" and Janet Reno will personally conduct
your audit.
7> New motto: "Two things are certain: FUN And Taxes!"
6> Rifle butt to the head now accompanied by "Please" and "Thank
you."
5> Threatening form letters now lightly scented with CK One and
begin, "It's Audit-Doody Time!"
4> Either pay required fines, or go double-or-nothing in a game
of whack-a-mole.
3> Agents now required to start with "Hi, my name is Jim, and I'll
be screwing you today."
2> Those new commercials featuring a turtleneck-clad George
Clooney and catchy "Fork Over, America" jingle.
and the Number 1 Difference in the New, Friendlier IRS...
1> Unless that's a typo, looks like you're getting an Audi this
year!
-----------
The Top 16 Changes in the New "Love Boat"
16> Safe sex activists insist on mandatory condom-purchasing scene
before each couple pairs off on "The No Glove, No Love Boat."
15> Newly-divorced Kathie Lee beds a different man every week while
humming, "If He Could See Me Now."
14> Captain Kennedy is too drunk to notice the ship's course is
from Boston to New York City and back 6 times a day.
13> For some reason, every episode is 3 hours long and involves an
iceberg.
12> New crew member Weasel, the ship's Sexual Harassment Officer,
kind of kills the mood.
11> "Day 47: Had to eat another passenger, but now we'll have an
even number for the shuffleboard tournament tomorrow."
[ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ]
10> Captain Clinton French kisses each woman passenger as they
board.
9> Hopes for a second season dashed when James Cameron signs on
to direct 13th episode.
8> Only Hanson could turn a merely annoying TV theme song into a
teeth-grinding, hair-pulling, ear-bleeding experience.
7> Wacky hijinks ensue when Purser George Michael forced to fill
in for bathroom attendant.
6> Ship's Dr. Kevorkian drowns Pia Zadora in the pool, and throws
Andy Griffith overboard.
[ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ]
5> Isaac, the Bartender replaced by Phil, the Starbucks Guy.
4> Goodbye, Dramamine. Hello, Viagra!
3> At the end of every episode: "They killed Leonardo! You
bastards!!"
2> During a relapse, Julie forces Captain Stuebing to take the
boat into Colombian waters.
and the Number 1 Change in the New "Love Boat"...
1> Cost-cutting results in combined character, Captain Bartender
Hazelwood.
--------------
SICK IN CHURCH
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling
ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and
throw
up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned
so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to
the
front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
---------
Almost DARWIN Award Winners
These are not DARWIN Award Winners, but they are pretty close...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence...
========================================================
..With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
======================================================== ..And What
Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own
bank accounts...
======================================================= ..And These
Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas,
Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's
drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student
in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the
school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the
"zero-intelligence" policy...
======================================================== ..Some Days,
It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators
on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000
home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."
======================================================== ..
And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized
after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of
salad tongs.
========================================================
..The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
========================================================
..Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his
late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire
protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an
X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep
hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the
wire in to try and find the missing brain.
======================================================== ..Have I Got
A Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the
splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel
from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also
available."Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made
off with over six million dollars...
======================================================== ..Too
Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an
MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There
are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened..."
======================================================== ..Did I Say
That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup.When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
======================================================== ..Ouch, That
Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the
front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with
an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody...
======================================================== ..Are We Not
Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
======================================================== ..Not the
Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder
what he uses for a knife?
------
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were
you
thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5
weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years -
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
------
Cannibalism.
Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the "New Scientist" 14
March 1998.
'The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be convicted of
cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold in
Coloroado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer became trapped in a
shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating his fellow
prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to 40 years
imprisonment, although he served only 15.
"You are a low down depraved son of a bitch" the judge told him.
"There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county, and you ate five
of them." '
------
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a
21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given
birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of
Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference
this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual
relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out
in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate,
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up
evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that lagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a
parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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