Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Surprises in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"
16> 105-year-old Elaine recounts how Jerry's apartment hit an
iceberg.
15> Jerry reveals to all that he, Paul Rieser and Richard Lewis
are actually the same person.
14> Mulder and Scully bust in to kill Kramer, who was sent here
as part of a diabolical alien plot, but he's already escaped
to join the cast of "3rd Rock from the Sun."
13> Jerry wakes up next to Bob Newhart and realizes it was all
just a dream.
12> *George* awakens from a long nightmare to find Bobby Ewing
in his shower.
11> Bikini waxing accident leaves Elaine follically impaired.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
10> George Michael guest stars as "Master Of His Domain."
9> Jerry finally accomplishes his goal of dating every single
woman in NYC. His number is then retired into the rafters
with Wilt Chamberlain's.
8> Everyone watches helplessly as the Soup Nazi invades Poland.
7> George gets crushed by a falling beam at Yankee Stadium.
6> Jerry, Kramer, George and Newman compare their nude sketches
of Elaine.
5> Newman goes postal -- 8 dead, 14 wounded.
4> A wacky new spin-off, "Minefield", is born when Elaine
introduces the gang to her pregnant "roommate", played by
the irrepressible Jodie Foster.
3> Jerry's hot new girlfriend tricks him into appearing with
her on the "I'm dating a prissy, neurotic mama's boy!"
episode of Jenny Jones.
2> Kramer shoots himself in the head mere moments after Jerry
finally locks his front door.
and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"...
1> Special surprise appearance by Shoshanna Lowenstein's
obstetrician.
----------
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me
against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play
Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
----------
"Insurance Proceeds"
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer
friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here
I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An Accident"
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country
road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken
up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his
hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer,
who carefully closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to
have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Taking It With You"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take
all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and
his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you
to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money
with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears
and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope
because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new
machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he
exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
---------
You've Had Too Much Coffee When....
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
- You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee drinkers are good in
the sack.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using the timer.
- You lick your coffee pot clean.
- You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you
don't even work there.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- All your kids are named "Joe"
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
- You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
- You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
not plugged in.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.
Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last
drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee
can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during
and coffee after.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- You introduce your spouse as your "Coffee Mate"
- Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorit mug.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
-----------
Keep Quiet You!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just
wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in
a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the
fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
-------
Some Great Short Humor Pieces...
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep
the man from touching the computers.
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we
poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're damn right we are!
We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "I
just bit my tongue."
Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill? It ran out of juice!
Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could have
a chance to drive!
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's
called schizophrenia.
What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you
can't understand.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One
said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you
learn ALL thi stuff you'll never use in the real world.
Which animals did Noah not take on the ark in pairs? Worms! They
went on in apples. What veggie did Noah not take on the Ark? Leeks
What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the
kids!
I was just wondering......if you choke a smurf, what color does it
turn?
A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father fhadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling," the woman replies
sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? NOBODY
KNOWS!
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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