Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." ------------ It's Magic! A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" ------------ Worse than a Flood... <Just for tax time...> And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself." "What's that?" asked Noah. And the Lord said, "Let there be Government!" ---------- Which is More Important? A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see. The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?" "Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 85 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!" ----------- Funny Classified Ads Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers . Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it! If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. ----------- Bits & Pieces .... The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. "If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg --------- Inborn decietfulness <From a 1913 joke book.> They were arguing about the alleged inborn strain of decietfulness in woman, and she retaliated by citing the instances of men deceiving their wives. "I suppose," said he, "that you hold that a man should never deceive his wife." "oh no!" she smiled back at him. "I shouldn't go so far as that. How would it be possible for the average man to get a wife if he didn't deceive her?" -- Two rules in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
