Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
HOW COLD IS IT? <Very Funny!>
An annotated thermometer(degrees Fahrenheit)
+50
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
* Italian cars don't start
+32
* Distilled water freezes
+30
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the
homeless
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed
with you
+20
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking
favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on
T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!!
+15
* You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
* Minnesotans go swimming
+10
* Politicians begin to talk about the
homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car
going
0
* New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15
* You can cut your breath and use it to
build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
* Cat insists on sleeping in your
pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something
about the homeless
* People in LaCrosse think about taking
down screens
-25
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the
driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Minnesota Twins head for spring
training
-30
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Bock beer production begins
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Minnesotans button top button
-40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed
with you
* Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Minnesotans put gloves away, take out
mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start
-70
* Minneapolis residents replace diving
boards with hockey nets
* Ridgeway snowmobilers organize
trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota
thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
* Superconductivity
-452
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454
* Hell freezes over
-456
* Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on
I-90
-458
* Incumbent politician renounces
campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Minnesotans allow as to how it's
getting a mite nippy
--------
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general
seated in the back. The sentry said, �Halt, who goes there?�
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, �General Wheeler.�
�I�m sorry, I can�t let you through. You�ve got to have a sticker
on the windshield.�
The general said, �Drive on!�
The sentry said, �Hold it! You really can�t come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.�
The general repeated, �I�m telling you, son, drive on!�
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, �General, I�m
new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?�
------
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing.
The
pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that
shore
and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and
sits down on the shore.
Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there
to
join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on
the
shore.
The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So,
he
climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him
where
the rocks were?"
-------------
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the
sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken
for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers,
Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on
different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks,
but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid
the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This
was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled.
The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after
the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came
out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he
asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and
promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time
to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That
the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the
moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
----------
A repeat notice: PLEASE do NOT send me ANY attached files. Thank you.
"Crime News"
In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent
a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen
holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact,
bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This
was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They
responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date
newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When
this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted
that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at
Bohnke's house holding different issues of "Success" magazine.
They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.
They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the
principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We
thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 Signs you've been Kidnapped by a Dumb Guy
10. He puts his return address on the ransom note. (see above)
9. Instead of tying you up with rope, he decides to go with velcro.
8. He's demanding $2,000,000 in unmarked million dollar bills.
7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week."
6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking for a rematch.
5. He's your grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the
family room.
4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call.
3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies."
2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to
tell them.
1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets.
----------
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