Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
March 17, 1998
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
The Top 16 Exercises That Can be Done in a Bar
16> Urinal Mint Discus
15> The Great "Mony Mony" Karaoke Endurance Test
14> Jumping Jack Daniels
13> Jerk Clean'n'Jerk
12> 12-Step Aerobics
11> Truth-Stretching
10> Men's Urinal Fencing
9> Cherry-Stem Tongue Aerobics
8> The Men's "sucked in gut" vs. the Women's "stuck out
breasts" Relay Race
7> Porcelain Bus Driver Chin-Ups
6> 125 lb. Wench Press
5> Male Ego Flatteners
4> 5-hour Sedentary Ass Press & Swivel Massage
3> The 40-Yard Nachos-with-Jalapenos Restroom Dash --
"Feel the Burn!"
2> StareMaster
and the Number 1 Exercise That Can be Done in a Bar...
1> The "Charles Barkley's in the Club!" Obstacle Course
--------
Last Wednesday, scientists at the International
Astronomical Union announced that an asteroid would be passing
within 30,000 miles of Earth in the year 2028, and that there
was a possibility of a collision. However, on Friday, the IAU
admitted an error due to lack of access to all of the data. Now
they predict that the asteroid will come within *600,000* miles
of Earth, and that it poses no threat of a collision in 2028.
The Top 16 Other Predictions from the
International Astronomical Union
16> Asteroid will miss Earth by 600,000 miles, but Earth will then
graze a huge space iceberg and sink 5 hours later.
15> As Asteroid 1997-XF11 crosses Jupiter's cusp today, romance
seems likely. Watch out for Capricorns and Libra, but seek
out those Geminis! Your lucky number is 9."
14> The planet Pluto probably looks nothing like the cartoon dog.
13> In 47.602 billion years, there will be only two constellations,
both of which will resemble 1970 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser
station wagons.
12> Quayle in 2000!
11> A huge meteor will hit Earth shortly. It's over 100 miles
wide and has "Hubbell" written on its side.
10> The universe is now contracting, but the size of John Goodman's
ass will continue to expand exponentially.
9> Them Spice Girls is out of this world!
8> The "Big Bang" must inevitably be followed by the "Big
Cigarette," then the "Big Sandwich," and ultimately the
"Big Sleep."
7> Primary element in the Milky Way galaxy? Nougat.
6> The traffic lights wiiill chaaange... NOW!... No wait.
Okay, NOW!... Dammit! How about... NOW!?...
5> *Our* moon isn't made of cheese, but Ganymede?
Nothin' but Gouda!
4> The moon will impact the ocular orb in a manner resembling
a large, hot, red-yellow pepperoni-laden disk, and the event
will be named after its discoverer, Enrico Amore.
3> The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet yer bottom dollar!
2> "Our credibility is falling!!! Our credibility is falling!!!"
and the Number 1 Other Prediction from
the International Astronomical Union...
1> Astronomer who did the original asteroid-collision calculations
will be highly successful in his new janitorial job.
----------
-= Top Ten Signs Your Team is Not Going To Win The NCAA Championship =-
10. Power forward was featured on Ricki Lake's "Too Fat to Love?"
episode
9. Whenever someone does a lay-up, he burns his arm on his cigarette
8. Players always show up at away games exhausted from all the
hitchhiking
7. The Las Vegas odds against your team involve the sign for infinity
6. Your center won't stand during the national anthem because he's
too drunk
5. The only thing Dick Vitale can say about them is, "These guys got
a good grade point average, baby!"
4. Players refuse to guard other team because they're all "sticky and
sweaty"
3. Jesse Jackson is protesting against team for being "too white" *
2. They pointedly inform interviewers that the correct term is "little
people," not "midgets"
1. Starting Center: Roger Ebert
-------
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across
the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,
turned,
waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What
did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It
said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
--------
YOU MAY BE NO LONGER COOL ..... IF......
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing
music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing
beer and joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work
the next day.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's
new running shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a FAX machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
--------
Things that make you say HMMMMMM
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems
longer.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
-------
Insurance Claims
EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that
passes around on the net from time to time... we have an ENTIRELY NEW
list from England.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
thought."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air
and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the
traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and
miraculously our client remained conscious and mad to cross the
road."
"Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is
extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to
consider a 'cash in loo' settlement"
"The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was
concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his
car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside
a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repair.'"
"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the
time."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."
Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the
accident?"
A: "Travelled by bus?"
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and
another on the woman behind".
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard"
"I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic
mouse"
"I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back
and wrote off my Volvo."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the
other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly
broke."
"The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me."
"Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle
approached from nowhere and collided with my car."
"Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish
Sea."
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