Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don
Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming
"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:
"I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell
is Bill Clinton?"
--
Kathy E
======
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the
yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at
him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why
did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner
would be ready in just a couple of secs."
--
Kathy E
--------
"St. Patrick's Day's Engagement"
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her
a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she
protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a
sham rock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"St. Patrick's Skull"
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of
Ireland on Business.
As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he
noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a
assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... G-d bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made
a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man.
During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land
that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs
saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... G-d bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a
Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that
the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This
is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Huh?"
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key
in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's
member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you
aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH G-D... they got
me girlfriend, too!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Winning Number"
"And the winning ticket is number 11," Father Ted called at the
charity raffle. Everybody looked around to see who had won the
prize but no one had their hand up.
"Didn't you have ticket number 11 Father Dougal?" Father Ted urged.
"So I do Father," said Father Dougal. "I'm sorry, I was looking at it
upside down!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"At the Cemetery"
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he
figured
to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he
could,
the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the
hole..
Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him
out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut,
and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no
avail, the other drunk woke up..
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
He got out...
--
May the leprechauns be near you to spread luck along your way. And may
all the Irish angels smile upon you this St. Patrick's Day.
-------
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."
3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done."
4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning."
5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession."
6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM.
Please use the back door."
7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment."
9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience."
10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door
at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a
full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -
Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir."
---------
Non-Sequitur Quotations
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people."
- Ed Bluestone
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneris
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
- Carol Leifer
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
business."
- Shelley Berman
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets."
- Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
- Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a
rock."
-Will Rogers
"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder
-------
The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!
What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
& they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut
to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting
for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert
beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that
one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets
another beer."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A
beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" "A little
early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
-------
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