Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
I REST MY CASE
STATEMENT 1:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice if you don't
tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I used to be your bookie.
STATEMENT 2:
>From a defendant representing himself ...
Defendant: So you say you got a good look at me when I stole your
purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my
purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
STATEMENT 3:
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
STATEMENT 4:
Lawyer: How do you feel about defence lawyers?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth
too.
STATEMENT 5:
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember you said he was a good
plaintiff's doctor.
STATEMENT 6:
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
STATEMENT 7:
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honour. I wasn't listening.
STATEMENT 8:
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, your Honour, it's like the "Honourable" in front of
your name. It doesn't stand for a darned thing.
STATEMENT 9:
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Do you have
anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Yes, your Honour. Habitual thirstiness.
STATEMENT 10:
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer
found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side
of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said:
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice,... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap
with a sign reading:
"TIPS"
and a bucket at his feet........... full of change.
-------
----------
The Top 16 Signs Baseball Spring Training Has Started
16> The air is filled with the gentle "twang" of pulled groin
muscles.
15> 48 states dealing with shortage of hookers and cliches.
14> Police abandon strict enforcement of harsh "No Pepper" laws.
13> A lonely Marge Schott once again combs Florida bars for an
eligible White Supremacist to bed.
12> South American drug cartels shift to round-the-clock
production schedules.
11> Bat construction industry shifts from "spouse beating bats"
to "baseball bats."
10> Business up 4000% at the Ft. Lauderdale Hooters.
9> Morganna the Gumming Bandit is sighted doing wind sprints.
8> Thirty injured in whirlwind created by frenzy of sports
reporters sucking up to Ken Griffey, Jr.
7> El Nino floodwaters: clear. Tobacco juice floodwaters: brown.
It ain't rocket science, Chester.
6> Pete Rose sends Hall of Fame voting members the FTD
"Let-Me-In" Bouquet.
5> The Florida Marlins trade Gary Sheffield for Harry Caray.
4> Your hubby can't get aroused unless you "bend over and sweep
home plate" first.
3> Stadium hot dog vendors gleefully skim the scum off last
year's weenie water.
2> Dwight Gooden finally begins to stir from his New Year's Eve
stupor.
and the Number 1 Sign Baseball Spring Training Has Started...
1> George Will's sphincter relaxes to nearly-human dimensions.
-------
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
No matter how cute the underwear is.
----
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom &
Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the
boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might
even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk
him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that
detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
--------
Is Mom a Computer?
For years I badgered my mother with questions about
whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was
always "Well, you asked for the presents, and they came,
didn't they?"
I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I
heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable
from the real device."
Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person
(simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests
from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and
transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when
we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these
socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this
afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday
party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with
each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one
leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted
socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even
number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged
from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles
of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our
socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the
odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you
notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large
sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope
with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of
blocking records in order to save money by reducing the
number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework.
Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder
on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again
before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal
to be serviced when they have completed any operation.
She had a whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag
she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the
middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come
out in the right order at lunch time. Was it dear ol' Mom or
was it Santa Klaus?
There is an old story that G-d knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people,
and so He created mothers. That is the difference between
centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever
misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in
the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area
network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
----------
The Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You
16> The Human Resources rep keeps advising you to apply for
extra dismemberment insurance.
15> The guy from shipping says they have to store some toxic
waste in your office for "just a couple days."
Your company, however, makes doilies.
14> Someone's been signing you up for the office blood drive.
Daily.
13> Everyone else gets e-mail. You get
"note-wrapped-around-a-brick-speeding-at-your-head-mail."
12> That "one free pantsdrop" rule is just one way of looking
at the Paula Jones case -- not a new law, like Larry said.
11> New job position posted: "Vice-President of My Butt"
Only applicant: You
10> Co-workers point and whisper that you're the one who ate
the "Bagel O' Death."
9> Somebody went to the trouble of making a little Hitler
mustache and swastika armband for your Dilbert doll.
8> You're honored to be in the "South Park" skit at the office
party, but why does everyone insist you play "Kenny"?
7> The sign on your office door, "Section Head, Information
Technology, Hardware Engineering And Design", has been
replaced with an acronym.
6> The pushy new Pastry Cart man looks an awful lot like that
Kevorkian guy.
5> Your position's symbol on the organizational chart now shows
up as a hanging stick figure.
4> During your diversity training, someone announces on the
intercom that "the cleaners are here with your Grand Wizard
outfit."
3> Your name is spelled out in urinal cakes in the men's room
trough.
2> Oh, come on -- it's not like your new Windows 98 operating
system just keeps crashing by itself!
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Someone at Work is Out to Get You...
1> "Shit piling up on your desk" no longer just an expression.
------
Thoughts on Marraige
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
-------------------------------------
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
----------------------------------------------------
WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
----------------------------------------------------
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------
DIET DEFINITION:
The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is
'desserts' spelled backwards.
---------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
----------------------------------------------------
TRUE LOVE:
A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee.
One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious
about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked.
"She's dated every man in Phoenix."
The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively,
"Phoenix isn't such a big town."
------------------------------------------
MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong,
it will go wrong when he's out of town.
----------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"
-----------------------------------------
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other
guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the
honey, Sugar."
He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning
when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife,
"Pass the bacon, Pig."
-----------------------------------------
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
----------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
----------------------------------------
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally
the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house
wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I
wouldn't be here either."
--------------------------------------
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can
see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
--------
You might be a High Tech Redneck if.....
1.Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."
2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
3.If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop."
4.Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and
Wesson."
5.You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellularphone.
6.Your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT."
7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
8.Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her.
9.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
10.You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal.
12.You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
--------
"No Charge"
My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was
fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of paper he'd been
writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it,
and this is what it said:
For mowing the grass, $5.
For making my own bed this week, $1.
For going to the store $.50.
For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.
For taking out the trash, $1.
For getting a good report card, $5.
And for raking the yard, $2.
Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a
thousand memories flashed through my mind. So, I picked
up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:
For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No
charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge.
For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge.
For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge.
Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes.
And he looked up at me and he said, "Mama, I sure do love you."
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote,
PAID IN FULL.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
