Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the
mud. The C.O.
saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get
unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead
and the umpire
said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead
bodies over
here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
------------
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
The Center of Disease Control in Atlanta, GA announced today that the
President has
PROVEN that you CAN get sex from aides!
But someone sent me this addendum:
There has been an unconfirmed rumour surfacing that as part of their
training, the
President is teaching interns how to wrestle. First hold taught: a Full
Willey Nelson
--------
A customer in a Boston Irish pub goes up to another customer and
says, "Excuse me, but where are you from?"
"Why I'm from Ireland," comes the answer
"No kidding? Why I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have a drink to
Ireland."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what city are you from?"
"Why, I'm from Dublin."
"You don't say. I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have a drink to
Dublin."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what school did you go to in
Dublin?"
"Why, I went to St Mary's."
"It can't be! I went to St. Mary's, too! Let's have a drink to
St. Mary's."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what year did you graduate
from St. Mary's?"
"Why, I graduated in 1964."
"This is incredible. I graduated in 1964, too. Let's have a drink
to the Class of '64."
And so they do.
Another customer walks in to the bar and goes up to the bartender.
"What's up, Mike?" he asks.
"Oh, nothing unusual," says the bartender. "The O'Malley
twins are drunk again.
-------
Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize
<Offensive to CEO's>
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
-----------
How to Loose Weight Without Exercise
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of
calories
per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
-----------
ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries:
USA:
An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning
- harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that).
SWEDEN:
On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain
with hands."
BRITAIN:
Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning
on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating."
>From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body." From Boots (chain of
pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for
young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid
alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids).
ITALY:
Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face."
KOREA:
On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to
children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one).
-----------
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at
the
thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the
Pope
out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every
English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch
this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the
crowd
went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering
like mad.
The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I
never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a
minute,
and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish
person
in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with
just
one nod of my head."
The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."
So, the Pope head-butted her.
-----------
What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real
Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
RightHere!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur
Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
---
Standing out from the competition...
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow
desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year)
for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't
getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash,
unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle
of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from
their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have
a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a
lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like
grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like
commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy
school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really
hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again?
And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME
TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating
club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the
smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in
high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great
state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about
four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic
West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics
scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you
interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted
to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like
bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to
stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO
CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!
YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to
get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to
drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to
continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking?
COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
Suddenly the Ivy League's submission levels rose tenfold.
(Hey, those Sesame Street viewers were pretty smart.) So
many other schools realized they had to join the fray.
Witness...
VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge
drinking in your room before you go out sound like fun? Do
you enjoy being around rich blondes and finding a date to
watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to
be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math?
That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO
M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
VIRGINIA: Hey kids! Do you like living in the past? How
about pretending you're not a state school, but rather the
southern Ivy League member? We've got 18,000 other people
who do too! All our buildings are 18th century-vintage and
in fact, we just let the slaves out last week!! COME TO
VIRGINIA!!!
BC: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but
have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your arse
from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and
genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of de
weed with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing
gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of
indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT
AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!
HOLY CROSS: Hey Boys and girls, we're not Boston, not
Providence, heck we're not even Hartford. We're Worcester
but we're close to some other real cities.
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor
takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to
design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling
well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do
you believe in money first, students last? Do you wish to
be led by a racist student president? Do you like to be hit
with Mercury-Laden snow from the third most polluted lake in
the country? Is your idea of a good time learning about the
History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? Would you
mind awfully terribly if you will forever be linked to the
Snapple lady and that Senator Alphonse D'Amato? THEN COME
TO SYRACUSE!!! (Making the future happen tomorrow for lots
and lots of dough.)
WILLIAMS: Hey kids!! Do you like isolation? Having nothing
to do and nowhere to go? How about being snowed in 9 months
of the year with the same people for 4 years in a row? If
feeding cows or dodging traffic for fun is your cup of tea
then come to Williams College - located on scenic Route 2 in
the middle of nowhere.
CONNECTICUT COLLEGE: Do you like to drink? THEN COME TO
CONN!!!!
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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