Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
* How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've
Been A Liar All My Life
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
* I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
* I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
Welfare Line
* If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
* If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who
Will
* If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down,
But Baby I Can See Through You
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From
Breakin' Out
* Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
--------
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from
the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive clod.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a
liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
--
Kathy E
-------------
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it
---------
TOP10 Ways cars would be different if Microsoft were building cars:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you would accept this, too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy
more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would
only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by
a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea
what happened.
-------
<just in case you were wondering>
* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
* The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-
wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% ofits
size, "L.A."
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on
a watch is 10:10.
* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A
Wonderful Life"
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider
hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why
it's Paul Reiser himself!
* The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.
* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and
O-Z, hence "Oz."
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
---------
Proverbs of the 20th Century
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
---------
If Men Rewrote The Rules.
Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us
take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we
know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither
do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto
the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
--------
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during
her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer
questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.
When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today
dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I
do."
----------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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