griffin....thanks for that moving message....I am really glad that you are still with us.
though I do not suffer from depression, I have seen the grim, suffocating pain very close up ... my father and others in family. I wish on everyone your epiphany: that we all deserve better than that. warmly, Josh Cohen On Jan 13, 2013, at 3:49 AM, Griffin Boyce <[email protected]> wrote: > Hey all, > > It's hard to write about one's own experience with depression and suicide > in the wake of someone's passing. Not just for the intense feelings > involved, but also no one wants to direct attention away from the person who > has died. > > As some of you mention, the fear of losing respect or "becoming a > liability" is very real. It leads people to close off entirely, to hide > away, to conceal their feelings behind smiles.[3] This is the case within > tech and in other communities as well. It's a very tricky problem. Much > harder to spot when someone's having trouble if they live five hundred miles > away and only communicate with you online. > > In the past two-and-a-half years, I've lost three friends to suicide. Two > were academics. Two were transgender. One was a member of the tech community. > In light of everything that has happened, I feel the need to emphasize that > people are not alone by talking about my experiences. > > I've struggled with depression for most of my life. After having a fairly > stable level of depression for a long time, I had a sudden downturn in late > 2011. In December 2011, I planned to kill myself by jumping off a local > bridge.[1] In the days leading up to the 8th, I cleaned and tried to get > things into some semblance of order. A steely calm overcame me, and I closed > years-old accounts without emotion. > > I'd just moved to Philadelphia and my close friends were all far away. My > spot on a waiting list for a trans-friendly therapist had just disappeared -- > meaning another 3-6 months of waiting without help. Suicide was not > something that I wanted to do, but rather something that seemed like an > inevitability. In my grief, I could not see that there would be a resolution > that didn't include my death. > > When I think back to my beginnings in coding and the internet, what led me > to the interest was depression and a sharp sense of alienation. After > serious trauma and suicide attempts, I started to find a community of similar > interests online in 1999. At this point, I have very close friends in the > tech community, but I did not feel very comfortable talking about the intense > feelings that I was having. > > In the end, I did not kill myself (spoiler alert). So what changed? Well, > not a lot. But also, a lot. As a parting shot, I had agreed to give an > interview to a journalist.[2] The interview went *incredibly* badly, causing > the epiphany that I deserved to be treated better. It wasn't that simple, and > it wasn't easy, but that was the catalyst that probably saved my life. > > Getting help was not easy. The first medication I tried sent my cognition > to zero and it took until March 2012 to finally see a therapist. It was still > difficult. There are specific issues that impact the tech community. Busy is > not the new happy. At times it felt like a death march, but for me it felt > like the alternative was death -- and we all deserve better than that. > > All the best, > Griffin Boyce > > [1] It's this one, for the morbidly curious: > http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Market_Street_Bridge_(Philadelphia) > [2] People who know me well will find that amusing, as I'd pretty much rather > be covered in honey and set upon an anthill than talk about myself in print. > [3] The day after, I went to a museum with a friend. She had no idea. In > fact, I had to send her an email tonight because she *still* has no idea but > subscribes to libtech. > > -- > "What do you think Indians are supposed to look like? > What's the real difference between an eagle feather fan > and a pink necktie? Not much." > ~Sherman Alexie > > PGP Key etc: https://www.noisebridge.net/wiki/User:Fontaine -- > Unsubscribe, change to digest, or change password at: > https://mailman.stanford.edu/mailman/listinfo/liberationtech
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