by Nic Leobold
"Hello, Hi, Good Evening, Good Morning, Greetings, Ni Hao, Ola, Bonjourno, Tak, Moshi-Moshi, Salut, Bonjour." New Yorkers have many ways of greeting each other. I don't know Farsi or Russian or 100 other languages, so I can't greet you in all those others. But soon New Yorkers might not need all these salutations, if I have anything to do about it. An efficient "Heil, Bloomberg!" will be enough to suffice.
The city is running more efficiently these days, with all the precision of a fine Swiss timepiece or the German railroad. Not that there's anything wrong with Swiss watches or the German railroad. Germany and the rest of the world learned many valuable things from the glorious Third Reich. It's just that when we in America copied so many of their Teutonic innovations, we adopted some questionable ones as well, like internment camps, shock treatment, and gun control. It makes you wonder whether progress is really worth it.
But authority does work, as Mayor Giuliani, Red China, and now Bloomberg have proven so convincingly. Who cares about property rights, civil rights, or privacy rights when things get done faster by decree?
Michael Bloomberg has proven that we can eradicate the scourge of smoking by simply telling landowners how to use their own property; Bloomberg took a page out of Tiananmen Square's new regulations and protocols and locked up would-be protestors before the Republican National Convention even got started-call it pre-emption, call it prevention, call it whatever you like, but you have to admit, not one of those potential protestors was able to commit any crimes, or SAY anything. It works! And it might work for other things, too.
And our medical privacy? We don't have to worry about that either, because Bloomberg and his Health Minister have proven that our medical health takes priority over our privacy rights. You don't have to worry about whether this is actually true-Bloomberg has decreed it. End of story. So now we can happily rest easy, because all our medical results and records will automatically be forwarded to the Health Reichstag for a thorough review to ensure our physical and mental well-being and compliance.
Now, I'm not questioning Bloomberg's approach-it worked for the Nazis and the Chinese and the Soviets, and it'll work for us too as long as we stay true. The big mistake Hitler and Mao and Brezhnev made was that they went soft, and stopped applying the Principle. An iron hand only works correctly when you slam it down. As long as Bloomberg keeps slapping us down, we too will stay in line.
But it's not enough to just let Bloomberg rewrite the Constitution and reformulate our traditional American ideals-we need to really make it clear who's boss.
You see, Bloomberg still hasn't been able to get everything he wants done. New York didn't get the Olympics, we didn't get the West Side Stadium, we didn't get a total ban on cigarettes or a ban on toy guns passed. Some people still have the nerve to think they can defy Bloomberg and vote these things down. But people want results, not debate.
So what I'm proposing is that whenever anyone addresses the City Council at a hearing, a police officer or a city bureaucrat, introduces a city official to speak, or meets any city employee, I suggest we click our heels, raise our right hand in the fascist salute, and say "Heil, Bloomberg!" We've got to instill the proper sense of authority as neatly and crisply as the Chinese stamp out tin cookie cutters. Any idea or thought that Mayor Mike can be defied in any way must be banished forever--for the benefit of our next mayor, as well. Believe me, when we hail him as our Fuhrer, Bloomberg will get things done a lot quicker, more efficiently and without all the messiness of due process and republican procedures.
When you're running a city it's important to know who's boss and say it loudly. I for one want to stand behind our Great Leader and help him get things done, because I know it's for our own good, it's "for the children", that "if it saves even one life, it's worth it.", and most of all, because, in the words of Rudy Giuliani, "Freedom is Authority". To me, that says it all.
Tyranny and brute force really are more efficient. When we give the fascist salute to Bloomberg and his minions, we'll be sending a powerful message to all New Yorkers, all our visitors, and the whole world, that one day soon we too will be able to say, "Mission Accomplished", and that dissent will not be tolerated when we have so many things that need to get done.
"Heil, Bloomberg!"
If we're good New Yorkers and everyone behaves themselves, I'm sure there's a nice tax rebate in this for us.
*****************************************************************
Nicolas Leobold
"...just another one of those American gun nuts.."
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