Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 19:27:34 -0400
From: "Pres Waterman" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: Fw: Pentagon Phone Menu
>Subject: ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
>
>"Thank you for calling the British Army. Sorry, but
>all our units are out, on leave or are otherwise
>engaged at the moment.
>
>Please leave a message, stating: your country, name of
>organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a
>number at which we can call you. All calls will be
>charged at 50p a minute to defray costs.
>
>Someone will call you as soon as we have sorted out:
>the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium
>Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London,
>compulsory Equal-Opportunities training, and all our
>Racism-Awareness courses...
>
>Please speak after the tone. If you require more
>options, please select one of the following:
>
> If your crisis is small and close to the sea,
>press 1 for The Royal Marines.
>
> If your crisis is distant, with a tropical
>climate and good hotels, and can be resolved by one or
>two low-risk bombing runs, please press 'Hash' for the
>Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not
>available after 16:30 hours or on weekends.
>
> If your enquiry concerns a situation which
>can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting,
>flags and a really good marching band, please write
>well in advance, to: The First Sea Lord, the
>Admiralty, Whitehall, London SW1.
>
> If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2
>for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
>
> If you are in real, hot trouble, please press
>3, and your call will be routed to Sandline
>International.
>
> If your crisis can be dealt with from over
>20,000 feet with no risk and a limited ability to read
>a tourist map, please contact The US President
>direct on 001 100 666666.
>
> If your problem is dubious but can be turned
>to political advantage and blown out of all
>proportion, please e-mail Tony Blair c/o Bill Clinton
>[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
> If your problem can be solved by use of a
>redundant EU Commissioner with little or no ability,
>please contact e-mail [EMAIL PROTECTED] to
>see if her husband is allowed to come.
>
> If you are interested in joining the Army and
>wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature
>arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut
>miles from civilization and are prepared to work your
>butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and
>terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the
>Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of
>service, the Foreign Secretary giving away the country
>you wished to defend, the Chancellor destroying your
>national asset base, your Cabinet giving you away to
>command by a foreign power, and your Government make a
>nonsense of your oath of allegiance, then please stay
>on the line.
>
>Your call will shortly be connected to a rather
>bitter,
>much passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop
>down by the railway station.
>
>Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to
>contact the residue of The British Army."
>
>*********************************
>--- [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
>> Hi y'all,
>>
>> When I worked at the library one of my jobs was to
>> set up the incoming phone
>> message - if you want reference, press 1; if you
>> want etc. I thought it was
>> the stupidest thing in the world. It is a close to
>> anti-public service as you
>> can get. But, I wasn't the boss. Besides, it could
>> be worse - read on.
>>
>> Party on,
>> William
>>
>> -----------
>>
>> Subject: Pentagon phone menu
>>
>> Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human
>> customer service representatives
>> with computers could affect the military? Here's
>> the result. Picture troops
>> under fire, desperately needing artillery support,
>> making a phone call and
>> hearing the following:
>>
>> Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated
>> artillery support request
>> line. Please be assured that we will attempt to
>> assist you with all available
>> resources in the shortest time possible. For air
>> support, please call the
>> U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
>>
>> [In enemy language: If you are a member of the
>> [enemy country] army, we will
>> not be able to assist you. Please contact your own
>> army's artillery support
>> request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]
>>
>> If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please
>> press 1.
>> If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press
>> 2.
>> If you are defending a fixed position, please press
>> 3.
>> If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about
>> to be overrun, please press 4.
>>
>> If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission
>>
>> request, please press 5.
>> Press the star key at any time to return to the main
>
>> menu.
>>
>> Please select the type of fire mission you would
>> like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please
>> press 1.
>>
>> If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please
>> press 2.
>>
>> If you would like advanced munitions, such
>> as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please
>> press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates.
>>
>> If you would like to request the use of chemical or
>> nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line.
>> The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as
>> soon as possible.
>>
>> Enter the map coordinates of the target you would
>> like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please
>> remember to verify your coordinates and remember
>> that your request may take several minutes to
>> process.
>>
>> [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have
>> entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct,
>> please press 1.
>>
>> Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code,
>> followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify
>> your pass-code, we will begin processing your
>> request.
>>
>> If you have forgotten your pass-code, please contact
>> 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please
>> enter your passcode now.
>>
>> [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
>>
>> Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified
>> and your request will be processed. We strongly
>> suggest that you and your comrades take cover as
>> soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th
>> Division's artillery request support line and have
>> a pleasant day.
>
>
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