Hi,
Here's a bit of net advice, and a bit of humor. I had a good laugh over
this one.
Peter
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL
1) Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
2) Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
3) Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
4) Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
5) Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
6) Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
7) Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
8) Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
9) Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
10) When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of
the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto
others.
QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I
have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(printed on bottom of the box)
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
(Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(DUH)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Herewith a list of some of the best insurance claims compiled by the
Insurance Information and Statistics Center (CDIA) in Paris.
I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries.
I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the
cyclist.
I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone
was
crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour
before and no one was there.
I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive,
but
beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is
likely
to cause?
You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for
my
children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not
have,
like me, nine children to watch over.
In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for
those
coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control
of
my car.
While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me.
So I
backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me.
That's
when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a
bicyclist
with my door. That's all I have to declare for today.
I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I
was
responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me
additional
bonus points on my insurance.
I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company.
I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree.
You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport
dead
people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's
reasonable
to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved
in an
accident?
The accident happened while I was changing girls.
While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me.
I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my
car
for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it
takes
to get rid of that clause.
You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses.
You
obviously don't know my wife.
I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I
wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I
simply
didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over.
The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could
pin him
down.
Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will
take
that into account.
They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to
convict me.
You'll admit that considering the six to eight litres of blood in our
bodies,
that wasn't much.
NASA and Navajo Indians
>-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they
>did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
> One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep
>and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke
>Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are
>the guys in the big suits doing?"
> A member of the crew said they were practicing for their
>trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he
>could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing
>a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks
>found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they
>asked the son to translate. He refused.
> So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where
>the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate
>the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official
>government translator. He reported that the moon message said,
> "Watch out for these guys;
> they've come to steal your land."
>
