Early meeting at the Goethe Institute about the German election. It
wasn't bad, but now I still feel disappointed. I didn't get actively
involved.
And at 12 my film class at the Academy. I'm far from elated. There is
some
regret about signing up. But I need to give it a fairer try. Little
problems are
niggling at my brain. Should I walk or cycle? What to wear if I do
cycle?
A sullen film is covering my senses. Perhaps a feeling of rejection.
Or
hopelessness or pointlessness? But perhaps it was a wrong move to
return to the Academy. I must keep an open mind. That way I come away
with something new. My focus needs to be the reactions within.
Everything
else is banal. Out of those reactions a new flowering may be possible.
Not
out of those reactions perhaps , but out of an unbiased enquiry into my
reactions. That's always the difficult part: the unbiased observation.
Poor
writing.
On 21-Sep-05, at 7:08 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Lame brain. Just a dull feeling. Surely I got enough sleep. So what
is the
cause? Feeling of incompetence and stubborn refusal. When I was
small,
I was always the lively one. It was Adolf who was always the stubborn
kid.
Strange how he's never outgrown that attitude of resistance. Strange
how
also most of the others have never outgrown the scheme that imprinted
itself
on them early. I'm not sure that any of them would be prepared to
look at
their lives in this way. Perhaps Helen and perhaps Rolf would. The
more
awake souls. Both died of cancer, both heavy smokers. Burned the
candle
at both ends. My life is just an unrequited mess. So much promise, so
little flowering. Too early deprived of maternal care, too often
broken by the
inclemencies of life. A scotch pine on a barren cliff. None of those
fateful
events need continue to dampen my soul. If I learn to accept what is
without
a squawk of protest. But I'm perpetuating all horrors of my past. As
if I were
in love with them. As if I had to prove to myself that I can be true
to myself. I
need be true to no dead image. Neither my own, nor the prejudices of
others. Life is a mean-spirited affair. All the clannish spite, the
back-biting.
And don't I too engage in all that? Perhaps less than those around
me. In
that sense I may be on the right path. And if I am, a gentler
micro-climate
should come into being around me. The air should begin to blow softer.
The quicker I am to recognize what is, the more it will feed me.
Reality
feeds the one that's prepared and kills the one who isn't.
On 20-Sep-05, at 8:41 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Thought breeds thought and goes on breeding thought. Soon it takes up
all the available space and from that point forward, it increases in
density
and the head becomes a murky smelly place inhospitable to the senses.
What to do? What did Hercules do? When he cleaned the Augean
stables?
He diverted the course of a river and let its waters clear out the
muck. George
Galloway is such a Hercules. But the Bush-Blair conspiracy may
defeat him.
Will probably defeat him. But should I stingily withhold my support
for a man
who so valiantly labors to set things right again? To clean up the
language
of politics. The language that Bush and his gang so desperately
polluted.
Perhaps Katrina was that onslaught of water that has ripped the
disguise off
the merry prankster in Washington. Whatever. I must live my life
responsibly
if I want to keep my brain alive. I must drop the caution and the
stinginess of
my upbringing. Anni is serving her time in the embrace of
Alzheimer's. I have
still time to change my life.
On 20-Sep-05, at 2:56 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
The difficulty in keeping the brain alive seems to be in the
mechanism
of thought to replicate itself. Everyone here is caught in the vise
of such
self-propagation. The very core of life is self-propagation.
However for the
human animal this drive to propagate has become a cancer, a false
growth.
In our blind, mechanical addiction to this process we fail to
register that we've
already outgrown our environment. What is my best approach here?
Does it
make sense for me to send Galloway some money? Basically my surplus
goes
to the k schools. To be supporting a politician doesn't seem to
fit. And yet he
seems to be the strongest voice of sanity in the arena of politics.
Put your
money where your mouth is. It would make sense to experiment. I'm
not
committed to a permanent course.
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