I don't really want to go on this walk with Eleanor. But now it's too
late to back out.
When I agreed to the date, I wasn't thinking that I'm depriving myself
of all my favorite
Sunday morning programs. "Healing my heart"? Well my time is short.
No time to
expand on it or to dwell on it. How about testing my seriousness? I
could monitor my
level of seriousness all along our walk. I could, I could, but will I?
On 1-Oct-05, at 7:39 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
It is a hopeless cause to think I might stretch my morning musings
into an
attitude that would last me the rest of the day. Forget all attempts
of programming.
That's already the activity of the program: to be constantly meddling
at the controls.
Observing must be free of motive. So if I am to observe the stirring
of desire, what
would be my motive? Desire is the mouse behind the floor boards
waiting for my
departure so it can explore. So in order to get a look at it, I must
pretend I've
already left, hold my breath, and wait for it to come out. What is my
motive? If
my motive is to interfere with desire, I've already foiled myself. I
do have a motive,
even if I try to deny it. I want to control desire. So?: No go. I
know desire is a sick
puppy, a tortured animal. What all have they done to it? What have I
done to it?
So start there. First I have to make amends for my ill treatment of
my own desire.
Yes, I could start there. Old wounds, old scars, old clotted blood.
Either I clean it
all up, or I have no hope of changing anything. I'll continue
lumbering on as I
have been. Hurting others in the process. So can I apply all this.
I've got a fairly
busy agenda for a while. Can I do my observing as I'm engaged in
those things?
Each day, and each encounter? I think it's worth experimenting with
all my heart.
My heart remains pretty dubious. Are we talking 'healing'? Healing
desire?
Healing my heart? My lungs? My breathing in and my breathing out? My
innocence? My humanity? Our new Governor General would be onside.
What a wonderful person she is. At least in spirit.
On 30-Sep-05, at 7:54 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
I didn't do a good job at all. But what do I expect? I can't tie my
brain down.
I must trust the process to run itself. But there could be more
alertness. Like
a trickle of water running downhill. It is magically alert to the
topography that
it is traversing. Gravity is the secret of that alertness. Why
can't my mind be
similarly alert? And, of course, it can. Where self-interest is my
guide. When
I go shopping, I'm wonderfully alert to the prices. So much so, that
I become
obtuse to quality. Can I be alert to both? I'm sure I could if I
set my mind that
way. What about my untidy apartment? Could I set my mind to be more
attentive to that? Surely I could, but. I'm finicky enough, but I'm
always caught
up in weightier issues. Ego issues. Ego issues always take
priority. And they
must. The laws of gravity are operating there too. And they're
operating with
great alertness. And yet, they're not observing the elephant in the
room. Like
the guy with the weight problem who's hugely involved with every
other issue,
balancing all his other problems with great skill, but finds it
impossible to pay
attention to that one thing. Because he lacks the quality of
honesty. So where
am I now? Look at the wound. Where the pain trickles out. Let that
pain be
my focus. Let it be my inner law of gravity. I can see it working
to some extent.
Where I manage to drag out some hurt to the light of day, that
healing goes to
work pronto. But I don't keep going. The ego is a tremendous source
of pain.
Enough to last me a lifetime. Let the healing go to work. That
would be real
living.
On 29-Sep-05, at 9:36 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Feel strangely uneasy. As if there's something that needs my
attention
that I'm ignoring. It seems to me that I'm again constructing my
agenda
with the aim of feeling good, rather than doing what's right. What
are my
outer parameters? That question evokes images of desire. Not what I
was asking about. I was asking about the parameters of correct
behavior.
But that's probably a false question. Correct behavior is not
related to
parameters. Parameters are more about what I can get away with. How
much self-indulgence to engage in. The field of desire. So let me
stay
with the issue of desire. Desire resists being turned into an
issue. Desire
wants to be the driving force. It wants action. Not contemplation.
How am
I going to settle this? I must invite desire to the discussion, but
I must also
invite correct action. Without desire I have no drive, without
correct action
I lose my way. There is a way for the two to come together: if the
ego
agrees to leave the room. That's not likely to happen. But I (the
ego) must
at least consider it. I must at least admit that I'm the problem.
Not desire.
Desire is not the problem though I habitually see it that way. I
must stop
seeing it that way. I must come alive to desire in a new way. Give
more
room to it. There's always the problem of worrying about how I
appear to
others. As I see more of Heather, which surely is a good thing, I
also fall
into the trap of being influenced by her. How to bring this to a
point? Not
long ago I was suspended between resistance and observation. Today I
seem to be suspended between desire and conforming. Can I take the
ego out of the equation? Is that the right question for me today?
It doesn't
matter. Staying with the question, the question gets honed to a
finer point.
Can I keep it alive for the day?
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