The ego is always building, as if it were a force of nature. But it
fears detection.
Any presence of fear is a sign of ego. I know it's there, but I don't
see it. Can I
afford to spend all my time lying in ambush hoping to surprise it? Can
I afford
not to? This line of questioning isn't working.
On 27-Oct-05, at 8:06 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Yes, it all makes sense, sort of. But there's not much there to use
as a guide.
And that may be just what I need: to have no guide, no prefabricated
solutions.
When I first met Alan Hooker in the seventies, he advised me to quit
everything
and join a k school. I wasn't ready. Should I have been? Is this a
useful
question for me now? Perhaps, if I can isolate that which made it
impossible
for me to make that move. The cluster of my unexamined fears. Is it
the same
cluster still? I really feel I need a coffee this morning. But how
to assess the
need? Is it real or is it false? Tonight I've planned two movies at
the Goethe,
so I'll have my coffee on the way. And tomorrow night panel
discussion with
Jenny Erpenbeck, again coffee on the way. The weather is very
promising for
the weekend. The prospect should be enough to raise my serotonin
level.
Or am I building a stronger ego? A positive self-image? Be careful.
There is
no point in denying the concerns of the ego. They are, in part, the
considerations of survival. If I aim for a healthy brain, how do I
measure that
health? The absence of drugs, the absence anxiety, the absence of
pride?
Healthy insecurity? Unhealthy insecurity? Legitimate confidence?
False pride?
One thing I can always rely on: the disorder in my apartment is a
give-away
sign of a disorderly mind. But: Am I on the way to a more orderly
life? Or is that
question already tainted by vanity?
On 26-Oct-05, at 6:35 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
My real battle lies ahead. Should I ever dare to go that way. How
to corner
the self? Is this the best approach?: posting my thoughts here? It
seems to
be preferable to just keeping a private diary. Even if there is no
partner for
serious dialogue anywhere in sight here. If there were, I'd likely
be the one
to run from the opportunity. I'm clearly not ready. But this forum
may offer
just the right exercise ground for me to gradually move in on myself.
So
now: how to corner myself? I'm looking for balloons to explode, for
false
investments to liberate. For stale energy to set free. All my
boredom all my
depression is really such frozen energy. I think I'm right to take
risks. At the
Academy, for instance. That should really be the way to use the
Academy.
That is also the best way to use this forum: To take risks. That is
also the
way to challenge the world. Expose myself. Make myself vulnerable.
Make
a fool of myself. That's what I have been doing and it seems to be
just the
right thing. Within reason, of course. But don't hold back too
much. Risk
your vulnerability. My vulnerability is perhaps the most precious
gift, the
most precious item I salvaged from my childhood. Above all, I need to
awaken a part of me that tends to be fearful, tends to remain in
hiding.
Follow your bliss! (Joseph Campbell). Let me bring this down to:
Follow
your appetite. Like a moth, follow the scent trail. Fly into the
candle. But
don't swallow too much seductive chemistry. Stay sober, ascetic.
Don't
fantasize, don't dream, don't imagine, don't idealize. If this is
contradictory,
so be it. Live the contradiction. Live the uncertainty. Live on
the edge.
On 25-Oct-05, at 8:24 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
It's not much different from the old boredom, the old depression.
For a while
the battle against pot and the battle against coffee seem to have
kept my brain
alive. But now there is a heavy dullness descending on me. What's
the point
of it all? Before the pot issues, there were the issues of the
purpose of this
forum. And then came the issues of my neurotic psyche. Perhaps I'm
just tired
this morning from lack of sleep. But no, I've been heading for this
impasse for
quite some time: The pointlessness of my life. Anni's Alzheimer's
got me
energized, when she was in danger of falling into Dela's clutches.
All that is
past. Anni is doing well, I'm doing well. There is no crisis. The
crisis is my
boredom. I don't want to spice up my life. How can I get to the
bottom of this
boredom? The separation, the unbridgeable separation. The absence
of love.
The absence of caring. How empty my life is! It's actually a
smidgeon better
than it used to be. And it's probably this slight improvement that
allows me to
face up to the problem. To at least ask the question. Facing up is
not facing,
it's short of facing. Face my inner poverty? Why not? It's likely
the only cure
there is. No hope! No reward! No expectation! Face it only like
studying a
wounded beastie. To find out what's wrong. What's wrong with that
poor thing
at the bottom of my soul? Am I willing to look seriously? Can I
bring enough
caring to this task? Can I weep for my self? Has anyone ever wept
for me?
Have I ever wept for anyone else?
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