Actually, in English, the better version is: "Thy will be done!" What
an
excellent phrase. Spelling out the erasure of the ego that is
ultimately the
inevitable step before sanity can enter my life. There is no room for
any
kind of idealism. Idealism is always a disguise for the ego to
reemerge.
Even god is merely a disguise for the ego. At least the god image of
organised religion. "Thy will be done!" What about the personal
pronoun?
Does it not project some deity? Only to a mind already infested with
such
a concept. Isn't our tribal history just so infested. Isn't my brain
also
infested with a personal god? But the brain needs to be disinfected.
"Thy
will be done!" is the demand to erase that, but still to maintain
relationship.
There is no relationship between ego and the unknown. But where the
ego is not, a relationship does exist. The unknown would then be
operating in my life. No desire to change anything. But I'm not
there. I'm
the seat of a thousand desires. Each desire disturbs what is. Each
desire
seeks to transport me to some goal. Arrest the movement of that desire.
The rich nourishment of desire is wasted in the pursuit. If that
stops, all the
rich perfume of desire is mine to be enjoyed. Open the can of desire
right
here, the mystery of repressed love, and all my life is healed.
On 23-Dec-05, at 8:21 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Why is this heavy dullness returning? Don't pretend it ever left,
idiot! There
are, of course, variable patterns, but I'm only kidding myself if I
assume
something more than that has happened. In fact my old slackness is
again in
full control. My title: "demand excellence" is turning out to be a
complete joke.
And the joke is on me. Read a fine German novel about a Spinoza
expert.
There is something in Spinoza that throws some light on k. His
mockery of the
simple minds that like to postulate Free Will. They're simply too
obtuse to see
what motives underly their behavior. So they prattle about free will.
Too blind.
The interesting thing is that Spinoza does not negate the possibility
of freedom.
But it's not in the will. It would be, if it ever came to pass, in
the comprehensive
understanding of the whole structure and content of the ego. So very
k-like.
Perhaps I'm skewing his language even more towards k than it actually
is. But
no matter. The point to remember: there is no short cut. All the
cheaters here,
and there are only cheaters here, are forever dreaming in technicolor.
There
can be no dialogue with cheaters. There can only be the exercise of
exposing
the fraudulence. But that's good enough. Sooner or later I may also
develop
an eye for my own cheating habit. "Comprehend" = grasping the whole
thing.
It's no good to grasp only part of it. Then tomorrow confusion
returns in
another guise. All the people here stubbornly refuse to see the
difference.
Partial understanding is easy. It allows the ego to incorporate the
new in the
old. Comprehensive understanding leaves no room for cheating. On the
cross
X is supposed to have said to the father; Not mine but your will
shall obtain.
On 22-Dec-05, at 7:13 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
How to keep that window open? To prevent the opening from filling in
with habit, with conformity, with fear till soon dullness rules the
day? There is
no method. Method is the problem. What a dull bird I am this
morning. How
does dullness set in? And how does it grow? Layers of certain
proteins get
glued to the nerve cells to form a kind of plaque. Similar to the
build-up of fats
on the walls of arteries that leads to strokes and heart attacks.
Similar to the
calcium deposits that destroy our teeth. It's all the same movement.
A plow
share that sees little or no usage will soon rust. Why are we
neglecting the
proper usage of our brains? What is the proper usage? -
Sensitivity -
But when I feel dull, I don't want to use my senses. I want to brood
stupidly
about my discomfort. I want to avoid sharp questions. Take drugs
maybe.
But, of course, I know those are the wrong answers. The right answer
is to do
do what the coyote does with the hedgehog: turn him over and over
until you
find a place to put your teeth in. Or what the pickpocket does with
the drunk.
Examine that dullness. Challenge it to a duel. Dullness wins, I
lose. But it's
still early morning. Surely I've still got some tricks up my sleeve.
On 21-Dec-05, at 7:08 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Yes, prick up your ears. Listen to the mocking bird. Does it know
when
it mimics the song of another bird? Perhaps it's just a bird with
an immense
gift for picking up different strains and different melodies without
knowing
which are derived from its own species and which come from a
different
source. Or does it deliberately sing false melodies to deceive?
Does a cuckoo
know what it's doing when it lays its egg in the nest of a warbler?
Apparently it
does because it hangs around the warbler's nest to see if the trick
has worked.
When greg and rg sing their false songs, do they know? Clearly they
do for
they too hang around to check on their results. Yet the cuckoo is a
miracle of
nature and greg is a moral abomination. Why hold greg to a higher
standard
than the cuckoo? Or is the problem with me, the spotter of the
false. In nature,
camouflage and deception are part of the natural order. Why not in
human
relationships? Why is Bush morally disgusting? Or is moral disgust
only a
property of a deranged mind? When Christ chased the traders out of
the
temple (assuming he did), was he just engaging in a perverse
sadistic act?
Is moral disgust an analog to physical disgust? Both factors to
protect us
from poisonous contamination? No, I think. The moral sphere seems
to be
peculiar to us, a property only of our species. Animals may share
in it, much
as the moon shares in the light from the sun. But for us, the moral
sense
seems to be our distinctive feature, the window by which the unknown
speaks
to us. Ambition closes in that window with bricks and mortar. In
our darkness
we mimic the sounds of truth.
On 20-Dec-05, at 6:44 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Nothing comes to mind that is worth putting down here. And there
is no
interesting question in sight. Rbt comes to mind. Question: Was
I unduly
rude in my last post? Not certainly in rejecting his teacherish
come-on. Or
his persistence in plugging his boring recipes. But perhaps I
could be
respecting his feelings just for what they are without rejecting
them? Just
as I respect the feelings of a dog in the park or a person on the
street. But
Rbt isn't merely expressing his feelings. He's insistently selling
his pig-in-a-
poke, loudly declaring that it not be inspected. That's what
they're all doing.
They're all doing their fraudulent posturing. None of them
interested in
dialogue. All sons of George W. All believing their own lies. And
all getting
miffed when I don't believe them. But there is good in that for
me. Uncovering
the carefully disguised lie, exposing the fraudulent strut,
flagging the slyly
insinuated hypocrisy, it's all good practice. Their deceptive
ploys are also
reflected in my internal deceptions. The false I discover in them
is also in
play inside my psyche. I'm honing my skills. But what about the
demand of
excellence? Am I holding myself to any standards at all? Am I
holding my
self responsible for anything? Am I at all concerned about
snapping out of
making excuses for myself? Ripping away my comfort blanket? Is
there
anything stirring inside that is likely to wake up? "I've heard
the mermaids
singing each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me."
Eliot. I'd better
prick up my ears. Or soon it will be all over.
On 19-Dec-05, at 6:52 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
More seriousness. Perhaps there is a little more seriousness here
now than
in my pot-smoking days. Perhaps the platform for my takeoff is a
little firmer.
My brain has a little more control of its content. I feel a
little healthier in my
mind. So I may be ready to step up to the edge of that diving
board. To
challenge myself and to follow through with that challenge. But
that is all. I'm
ready to enjoy the process of getting ready a little more. The
healthy exercise
is its own reward. There is some organic feedback. But my
situation is far
from solid. There is plenty of work to be done. No need to get
ahead of myself.
On 18-Dec-05, at 6:45 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
K often advises teachers and students to demand excellence of
themselves.
Not *strive for* but '*demand*. I've spent a lot of time
discussing my psychological
and mental confusion. My failings and shortcomings. My habits
and insanities.
My background and my conditioning. How about changing gear and
working
for *change*? Demanding change. Demanding better of myself.
Putting my life
in order. Demanding order. Is that feasible? My whole life
seems to have been
an adjustment to the disorder of my life. Living with disorder.
Can I suddenly,
out of the blue, demand order? What is the difference? I have
certainly been
working on my diet, exercise, social agenda, etc. So what would
be the
difference? Is it that I'm plumbing for greater maturity? That
I want to put the
past behind me? The excuses of the past? That I want to hold
myself to acting
correctly? I don't really know what I'm talking about, but I
think it's time for me
to graduate to a different level of seriousness. Part of it may
be to be less
critical of others and more critical of myself. I think this
past phase has actually
been beneficial. A phase of a lot of sorting out. But I should
enter new ground
now. From sorting out to serious application. A fear arises
that I may be just
deluding myself here with language. Perhaps. I may misstep, but
that should
not matter. The difference in the future should be to bring more
energy to bear
on the task in front of me. To progress from tentative trial to
resolute action. I
may be crazy this morning, but it really may be time for a
change. A new
sobriety. Ending the easy self-indulgences that have been my
hall mark. I don't
know. Enter the wind tunnel of not knowing. Stick my face into
the freezing
blast of complete uncertainty. Sweep away the past. Purge my
brain.
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