Time to bring my weight down again. But I love eating. All day long
stuffing my face. My primary distraction from boredom. My escape from
emptiness, depression, disappointment, etc. A denial of what my ego is
reflecting. I'm always fighting that insanity. But that seems like a
natural
thing to do, like a good fight. On the contrary, the denial of
insanity feeds
into it. Insanity feeds on this denial. Denial provides the energy to
keep
it going. More importantly, it brings me in line with the world around
me
which is in constant competitive denial and in competitive pretense.
Sure
it's more comfortable to conform, for a sleepwalker like my ego. It
saves
me from thinking for myself. The comfort of fitting in. Wanting
acceptance,
wanting to blend in. To hide my difference. To hide my predatory
designs.
What are these designs? I want affection. I want the affection of
those that
I admire. And I'll never get it. Because those that I admire are
scoundrels.
They are the glamorous frauds who play the same game I'm playing. But
they play better than I. They're successful and I'm a loser. So? -
Don't
cover up the conflict. It will only breed worse conflict. Look at
what is
going on. Paint pictures of the conflict. Exhibit the pain. Zeig
Deine
Wunde. (Joseph Beuys) It's a steep road to travel, but its the only
way
that makes any sense. And still the energy to travel that road seems
to be
lacking. Truth will provide the energy. How about tapping into the
truth?
It looks like a lonely road, with only truth for company. What about my
other needs? Will truth slake all my thirsts? Zeig Deine Wunde.
On 27-Dec-05, at 9:26 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
More Spinoza who seems to have an eye for the crazy in the human,
better
than just about anybody. Admitting that I've never read any Spinoza
first
hand, only secondary sources. But the point here is not authenticity.
the
point is understanding human stupidity, more especially human
stupidity as
manifested in me. The point is also learning not to fight the
insanity within,
but to fight the denial of our insanity. To fight the pious haloed
pretenders.
The same ones that Spinoza fought so valiantly. Any enemy of Spinoza
is
an enemy of mine. And they're all assembled here in this forum, as
they're
also all assembled in any organization, particularly in leadership
circles, in
the higher echelons of politics of religion, of society. My
particular foible is
an irresistible attraction to such idols of sanctimony. I loved the
church and
and all its pomp and ceremony. I loved the phony pretenses even in my
father, his alcohol-inspired protestations of affection and
righteousness.
Oh what a dog he was, and what a dog I am, to this day. I keep paying
the
high prices for false favours of the proud, when real favours are
available for
a pittance from the humble. I loves the proud, I loves the false.
When will I
stop? "You can't stop." says Spinoza. K, too, of course. But I like
it better
from the mouth of Spinoza, the excommunicated heretic exiled from his
tribe.
Who went to the churches for company. I like the feeling of exile. K
never
experienced that. He had his personal nursery that shielded him from
the
anger of the authorities. How real is the Spinoza of my imagination?
No
matter. I only need his shadow.
On 26-Dec-05, at 6:07 PM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
There seems to be a touch of insanity hovering around the edges of my
life.
A feeling of pointed pointlessness that stalls all my attempts to
involve myself
in distractions such as reading, tv, radio, walks. Everything is
distasteful, and
yet there is some urgency to escape from that dullness. Even my
weight is up
again if only slightly. Eating is always my preferred escape when
escape is on
my program. What if I took the bull by its horns? Why escape at
all? Why not
stare this monkey down? Not an easy trick. The monkey is hiding
behind my
eyeballs. To invite my own insanity to sit down with me and talk
things out. IT
has serious issues with the way I live. I also have serious issues,
but I'm just
stuck. IT doesn't believe that I'm giving it an honest try. And IT
is right. I'm not
really moving. I'm quite paralysed. IT says paralysis is good, just
don't escape.
I'm stymied. I don't know what to say or what to do. IT says fine,
just sit tight.
Make yourself comfortable and sit and don't move. Go crazy if you
must. It may
be just the right thing for you. Insanity is everywhere, why not
inside you? They
are all fighting it. That's the problem. Just let is spread through
the entire
organism. It's already there anyway. Only you're still fighting it.
Stop fighting it
and we'll both be better off for it. OK says I, I'll give it a try.
But I don't think it will
work. My experience tells me it won't. IT says it's up to you. How
badly do you
want a solution? OK I'll try. IT sneers at me, heard all that
before, many times.
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