Sitting here waiting for some words to come. Nothing of interest.
So why not skip? Dive back into the agenda of the day? I don't want to
throw in the towel yet. But wouldn't it be much better to keep my
silence
to myself? Squirrels are busy foraging, playacting, scratching, looking
back at me. Is there a line that divides the world from me? The ugly
cantankerous world from the ugly cantankerous me? The sad world
from the sad me? Not when I simply observe, but yes when separate
myself as the observer. The separation happens unobserved, - when
observation fails. It is the mode of self. The mode of the world.
Why do
I allow it to happen? "Why do you live this way?" Why do I live this
way?
What is my excuse? My brain is healthy enough. Why not trust it?
On 10-Jan-06, at 8:09 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Back hurts a bit (more than the usual), spending more time staring at
the
computer, reading literary matters. But I'm getting tired now.
getting fed up.
But that doesn't count. There is no exit. No exit from the boredom
of ME.
Not for me. No exit for me from me. Nice view from the balcony. But
too
cold. Let nature be my god. But I've already made my choice. Too
late to
switch. I'm stuck with what I am. The only escape now is a vertical
one. No
sideways movement at all. Simply raise the internal temperature to a
brisk
boil and watch what happens. But i've got no fuel left. I'm too
tired and too
bored. Was there ever a time when I might have escaped? I doubt it.
It was
always already too late. And yet I'm talking nonsense because I don't
want
to face the truth. Escape from the truth is easy. The truth doesn't
hold onto
me. Escape from the ME is an oxymoron. The Me owns me. And yet it
can
be done. Why not test it? What have I left to lose?
On 9-Jan-06, at 7:19 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
What does that mean: "to shake them off"? I fact, I'm stuck. Also
I'm losing
interest in this process. Or, perhaps better, for the moment there
are other
interests that seem to hold greater promise or greater attraction.
On 7-Jan-06, at 8:14 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
On awakening there was that dullness. The nagging questions of my
agenda.
The resistance of my reactions. Now all that is gone. Perhaps not
completely
gone. What brought the change? Simple observation. Looking,
listening,
questioning. Why isn't that listening there from the start? Why is
my start always
the stirring of thought? It's the unfinished business of the day
before. If I could
finish all that before my sleep? Wrong question I think. Things
never finish.
Thought never stops. The pressure never stops. The turmoil of the
ego never
stops. It's the change of perspective that stops the continuous
flow. The change
of perspective that arises from looking, listening, asking a
different question. But
what triggers that fresh perspective? What opens the senses to the
new? To new
perceptions? It can be a startling thing that demands attention.
But it can also be
a new sensitivity. Perhaps a sensitivity to boredom itself. A
sensitivity to the waste
of an occupied brain. A burdened donkey. A healthy donkey shakes
off that
burden. The brain itself reacting to the burden of its agenda.
Anni has only one
recurring complaint; boredom. The fear that she has carried with
her throughout
her life. I too carry my problems with me. Never quite shake them
off.
On 6-Jan-06, at 9:56 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Irritants, irritants everywhere. Reach for the pot. Reach for a
fix. The hysteria
always on the boil. Cool it. Time will kill it. But time also
kills the sensitivity.
Sensitivity flips over into hysteria. That's my story. That's my
early training. I
can't re-write the book of my past. Not true. Humans always
re-write their past.
But it's the ego that does the re-writing. I would like to
introduce sanity into that
operation. Is that possible? The ego cannot change itself. All
it can do is to
propagate itself, and the changes that occur in that process are
the same kind
of errors that occur in genetic reproduction. Sanity is a
different energy. It
operates outside the field of the known. Can the ego invite
sanity? No, quite
out of the question. But there is one thing the ego can do, and
that is to stop in
its tracks. But is that something the ego decides, or is it merely
part of the
shock of recognizing contradictions within? I can stop in my
tracks if i see the
abyss opening up ahead of me. I can flick the ego switch off. I
can even slow
down the flow of the current. I cannot alter its energy. The
energy of the self is
a material process, as thought is a material process. The energy
of sanity is
not of matter. Can sanity speak to me? Can I listen to sanity? I
think I can.
As I can listen to nature, to art, to beauty. The depth of my
listening is part of
my passion. Can I nurture that flame? The flame that consumes the
self?
On 6-Jan-06, at 6:06 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Nothing to add and don't feel like adding anything this morning.
On 4-Jan-06, at 10:39 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Stupid computer scaring me out of my wits again by refusing to
switch
on-line. Reducing me to my lowly ignorant state of nitwittery.
Lessons
in humility. I should be grateful, and I am. From that lowly
state, everything
else becomes a miracle. I finally learned to read newspapers
on-line,
though it's not certain that I really learned it. But anyway I
found a new way
of wandering about in strange regions. I think I'm well suited
to this digital
age even though I'm a technical dunce. But I'm a quick detector
of quality,
or rather a quick detector of garbage. All the years I've spent
here seem to
have honed my skill in reading between the lines. Improved my
judgment
of text, my discrimination of pretense from honesty,
self-flattery from real
questioning, theory from observation. It has taught me to read
the body
language of language. The trickery of pretense, the stridency of
projection,
the brazenness of the bald lie. To see through the mask, the
disguise, the
self-deception. But I don't have that passion k talks about.
And without that
passion, reality is mere theory. To nurture such passion, there
must be
silence, there must be order, there must be uncluttered space,
there must
reason (Spinoza's reason). (k's intelligence). Give time time
to slow down.
In age they say time moves faster. I must arrest time, slow it
down. Stand
still. Then maybe I can hear the grass grow and feel thought
stirring as it
moves.
On 3-Jan-06, at 6:34 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Because my daily interests look no further than survival. This
dismal
situation is likely to deteriorate further with age. The aches
and pains
of the body and the anxious worries about my relationships take
up
all the space in my soul. Where is there space for love? Where
should
passion reside? And yet all the faculties are still there. If
I create the
space for love, passion will yet come into bloom. But I'm
enmeshed in
the trivial, drowning in the seaweeds of my egotism. I'm
steering a
course that keeps me safely moored in these shallows. Depending
on
others. Never risking the open seas. I've always been like
that.
Handicapped from the start. Crippled by my upbringing. Damaged
in
heart and soul. It should have given me an edge. I've always
known
about the ill fit of the self. My searches led me to k early
enough to
still make a difference. And it did make a difference, but such
a puny
matter. I never took the enemy by the throat. But there is
still time. Till
the moment I croak. For surely I will croak some time. And
then I will
be all alone. Still time to challenge the monster. But only if
I live within
my self. If I stop wasting my time in expecting assistance from
outside.
Stay within in silence and look and listen and don't interfere
with things.
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