How things are piling up. Each item creating a a kind of urgency and
yet each
getting in the way of other items. All my toys around me, but each
diminishing
the other, and each becoming diminished by the other. Time for some
exercise.
On 22-Jan-06, at 7:50 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
That same impulse is back again. Again its cause seems to be that
torn feeling.
Being torn in different directions. Pot would solve that problem only
by knocking
me out. So I end up incapacitated. Of course if the toke is large
enough, there is
also the high that opens up certain vistas that the sober mind shuts
down, unable
to deal with the contradictions that such vistas also reveal. The
stoned brain
manages to cheat itself past such contradictions. It becomes
galvanized by
powerful fantasies that release huge bursts repressed energy. I could
manage all
that much better if I invited my sober mind to enter that forbidden
zone. Isn't it high
time for me? Why demur? Why keep feeding my caged depressions? Open
their
hutches and let them forage on their own. They'd probably grow huge
and attack
me for having kept them locked up for so long. A tempting
proposition, no?
On 19-Jan-06, at 9:18 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
When the impulse to reach for a toke arises, it seems to come out of
a desire
to slow things down. To take a time out. And yet a conflicting
desire wants to
speed along on the wave of some pleasure. I don't really want to
take the time
to even write these sentences. I want to get on with the reading I
was engaged
in. And there are other demands on my time too. Lots of demands.
What to do?
Thank god, none of these demands carry great weight. Each activity
will fall into
place in time. But why am I sitting here wasting time? I could be
getting on with
other things. But a sense that there is a better answer, better
than any of these
activities. The answer of complete disengagement. An illusion?
Yes, clearly
an illusion. But all is vanity, and this illusion may be my best
friend. My best
partner in dialogue. The illusion inviting deeper questioning.
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