Well, finally things are beginning to look up. At kinfonet A certain
Paul Dimmock has peeled himself out of the woodwork, and that
one person makes all the difference. He was there all along, it just
took me this long to stumble into him. So I guess I'll probably say
my goodbye to this place, even though I'm in no great hurry to
unsubscribe. If there should be someone else curious about this
guy, there are four article by him at kinfonet, two in the journal and
two in the link, nos. 24 & 25 respectively. This place has been a
good exercise ground for me in the past. I've improved my writing
skills here immeasurably, but it's been some time since anything
of interest to me has happened here. I've learned a lot about the
behavior of pretenders. And those lessons will stand me in good
stead. There is no interest in engaging their claims and no waste
of energy in futile skirmishes. No good-byes. I'll just skedaddle
along, loitering-like.
On 3-Mar-06, at 8:28 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
It seems to me that this is a better place for me to put down
my thoughts than at kinfonet. Here I am undisturbed and alone.
At kinfonet the difficulty of establishing communication seems to
frustrate me, and to no good effect. Communication never happens.
So why run after it. Here also it never happens, but I'm not wasting
any energy chasing after it. Here I just look at the content of my
mind
and mull it over. I've been becoming rather addicted to sudoku. I was
hoping to bring my brain back up to speed. But I almost never
succeed. My brain is really in bad shape. In my better days, this
kind
of puzzle would have been been a flimsy challenge. But now it's
virtually beyond my reach. My brain isn't what it used to be. What to
do? Pay more attention to my diet perhaps. But also make
arrangement for the future. There may be things I need to do now,
things that I may find difficult to deal with later. Certainly I
ought to
make out my will. It's a rather funny thought, the thought of losing
the
ability to look after myself. But Alzheimers seems to be knocking on
my door. Better let him in. Or is it more female in character? Get
used to living with her? Well, what to do? Isn't all this happening
awfully fast? Or is there something in my diet that is causing this
acute loss of memory? I can just watch it and see.
On 21-Feb-06, at 6:42 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
After my first sudoku I never solved another one. My brain certainly
isn't working too well. So why not sit down to the challenge and
bring
my brain back up to speed? There is a better arena to test my brain:
The eternal question: Why haven't I changed? I know enough about
change to know what direction to take. Truth may be a pathless land,
but it beckons from a general location. Best get going before sunrise
if I want to cover any distance before the heat of the noonday sun.
No,
I will not. The energy is lacking. I can only travel in groups.
But this is
a solitary journey. I balk. Balk and squawk and talk and caulk.
On 9-Feb-06, at 11:21 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
I'm completely running out of steam. No questions worth asking.
Today's sudoku is impossibly difficult. Meeting at the Academy
yesterday left me completely deflated. What do I care? Life is like
that. There is no place to go. The stalled situation isn't budging.
Outside the sun is out in full splendor lighting up the frozen wintry
scenery. What does this signify? this dreary dullness? It feels
like
a kind of death. But not the good death, the death of ego. It feels
like the ego is on the wrong track and refuses to budge. I could do
the world some good. Help is needed everywhere, but I sit stolid
like some pagan deity, unconcerned, unaffected, indifferent. Like
all the other selfish morons that populate the comfortable regions
of this globe. I feel nothing. I need a challenge. There are
plenty
of challenges out there waiting for me. But I choose not to respond.
Dead to the world. Nothing stirs me into action. Probably I'm too
hurt to move. But there is no palpable hurt. Nothing real, nothing
fresh. Do I feel excluded from humanity? I suppose I do, but it's
my
own doing surely. The world is open to me, but I can't move.
On 8-Feb-06, at 10:51 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Ah, now I solved my first sidoku. I knew I could do it. So on to
my
next challenge: The dynamic of my bored ego. I know that puzzle
is no trickier than a sidoku. The difference is: this is for
keeps. I've
always hated playing for keeps. It's like growing up. How I hate
it.
My life is almost over and yet I resist. Resisting I'll go into my
grave.
No grave for me. Oh, child mule no more. Stop muling. Life's
running out.
On 8-Feb-06, at 8:35 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Yes, the dynamic of my boredom, that is my topic. Or the dynamic
of my ego. My ego is my boredom. Will I apply myself to that?
will
I bring to it the attention required. I'm looking at a sidoku
riddle. I
have never solved one yet. But it is within my reach if I bring
to it
what it needs. The quality of my discipline is still too shoddy.
Go to it.
On 7-Feb-06, at 10:34 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
As soon as I write those few words and look out the window,
something changes and the beauty of the snow-covered
ground and branches reflecting bright sun light hits the cornea
of my eyes. And yet the anxiety about tasks to be done, chores
resisted, knocks on my brain. A conflict is set up, I resist.
Doors
close. Squirrels mock me, free from my moods, but they are
exposed to the elements. I'm sitting in comfort, food in the
fridge.
Yet my brain is in turmoil, fed up with myself. My eternal
childishness, my eternal resistance. Kinfonet is becoming as
boring as this forum. And for my muddled solipsistic musings,
listening-l suits me a little better. An easier format.
Squirrels do
what the moment demands. I'm caught in my trap, I don't even
study the dynamic of my boredom.
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or
'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or
'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or
'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or
'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or
'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or 'info
listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
-
email 'unsubscribe listening-l' or 'subscribe listening-l' or 'info listening-l'
to <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> in the body of the message
