The Onion is hilarious! - selene
--- In [email protected], "tamarawyndham" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car > > WASHINGTONMillions of Americans and thousands of federal employees awoke Monday > to find the national mail service in disarray after a group of rowdy teens on > a joyride > reportedly destroyed up to 90 percent of the postal service's nationwide > infrastructure with a baseball bat. > > Citing more than $45 billion in damages from the late-night escapade, the > United States > Postal Service has suspended all mail delivery and requested relief aid to > rebuild more than > 650 demolished post offices. The agency is also seeking supplemental funding > to clean up > the letters, packages, and crushed Budweiser can the teens left in their wake. > > "These hooligans have absolutely no respect for property, fellow residents, > or their > country," Postmaster General John E. Potter said as he picked up pieces of > the USPS > headquarters that had flown across the street and into a neighboring yard. > "This is the > third postal service I've had to replace this year." > > According to police documents, Potter told investigators he was working late > at his office > Sunday night when, around 11:30 p.m., he heard the sound of a loud muffler > and rock > music coming from outside USPS headquarters. Potter said he ran outside to > see what was > happening, but by the time he arrived the teens were speeding off down a > gravel road, > giving him only enough time to throw a crab apple at the departing car, which > he > described as "a rusted-out old Buick." > > Authorities have thus far not been able to identify the teens responsible, > who remain at > large and in serious trouble. > > "It's those Murphy twins and their no-good friend Tim Strougle," Potter said > while shaking > a broom. "What they did was destruction of property, plain and simple. Those > kids should > know better than to tamper with a federal mail service agencyit's a felony." > > Potter went on to argue that the irresponsible teens should have to > personally pay the > rebuilding costs of his agency's infrastructure, a punishment he believes > would "teach > them a lesson they won't soon forget." > > Added Potter, "Someone's going to have to spend a whole day digging a new > hole for that > foundation." > > Though FBI agents assigned to investigate the nationwide act of vandalism > would not > comment on any potential leads, they did disclose that the task force has > ruled out a > number of suspects, including those two Anderson boys from just up on Hoyt > Road. > > "Sure, they've gotten into trouble in the past, but [their father] Dave > [Anderson] set them > straight after the shenanigans they pulled last Halloween," said Special > Agent Brian > Richards, who told reporters the FBI was enlisting the help of municipal law- enforcement > agencies and snoopy neighbors from across the country in the investigation. > "Nor do we > have reason to believe that Shane and Lance McMurray were involved in this > terrible crime. > They're good boys. Mowed my lawn last summer." > > Tampa resident Eric Thompson, 39, was one of countless American citizens > outraged by > the night of teenage mischief. > > "I just don't get it," said Thompson, standing in front of his broken local > postal branch. > "Why would someone want to ruin a perfectly good post office? Don't they have > anything > better to do? If this is what kids today do for fun, I don't know what to > tell you." > > Added Thompson: "Now I'm not going to get my magazines until who knows when." > > While many Americans remain convinced that whichever local teens are > responsible should > be punished to the full extent of the law, some feel the public is > overreacting. > > "Everyone's getting all riled up over nothing," Attorney General Michael > Mukasey said. "The > U.S. Postal Service got a little banged upso what? We did the same thing > when we were > younger." > > "Who knows, maybe old man Barrington ran over the damn things," Mukasey > added. "He > shouldn't even have a license anymore, he's so darn nearsighted. I wouldn't > be surprised if > he knocked over all those buildings and didn't even realize he did it." > > On Tuesday, the USPS announced they have begun taking extreme measures to > prevent > further destruction of federal property. As part of the new strategy, > beginning next month > security officers will take posts in the bushes surrounding USPS facilities > in all major cities, > and a select number of new offices will be reinforced by constructing a > smaller office > inside a large post office and filling the middle portion with cement. > > "I can't wait for one of those punks to take a swing at one of our mail > centers after that," > Potter said. > > According to FBI records, the destruction of the U.S. Postal Service was the > most > significant incident of rampaging teens since the entire U.S. Air Force was > keyed during > the homecoming in 1998. > > > http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_postal_service_destroyed_by >
