> > December 1st > > > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place > > on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of > > spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to > > sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa > > Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can > > be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. > > > > Merry Christmas to you and your family. > > > > Ted Lange > > Human Resources Director > > > > > > December 2nd > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. > > We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides > > with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on > > we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees > > who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree > > and no Christmas carols sung. > > > > Happy Holidays to you and your family. > > > > Ted Lange > > Human Resources Director > > > > > > December 3rd > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics > > Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this > > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA > > Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts > > exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 > > is too much money. > > > > Ted Lange > > Human Researchers Director > > > > > > December 7th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the > > dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are > > allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay > > men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement > > for the gay men's table. Happy now? > > > > Ted Lange > > Human Racehorses Director > > > > > > December 9th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play > > Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," > > there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." > > > > Ted Lange > > Human Ratraces > > > > December 10th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this > > party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at > > the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll > > get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes > > have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them > > scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten > > holiday! > > > > Drive drunk and die, you hear me? > > The Jerk from Hell > > > > > > December 14th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ted Lange a speedy recovery from > > him stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to him at > > the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our > > Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full > > pay. > > > > Terri Bishop > > Acting Human Resources Director
