THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING
Twas the night before
Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and
moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
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Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all
the trimmings...who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered,
I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of
eggs.
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There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies
in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter
and crumbs.
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I've had all I can stand, I
can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the
floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins
as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
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He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's
takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
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As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an
earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
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Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, shit,
it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I
make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
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What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If
this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I
love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
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But I promise you
one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair
out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that
doesn't work,
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I'LL HAVE IT ALL
CATERED!
