SCARED SILLY: "The sky is falling!" cries Chicken
Little. "Huge chunks of sky are falling, killer clouds as big as
bungalows! It's greenhouse gases! It's unregistered rifles! It's HBO!
It's the devil U.S. army, come to save us from ourselves!"
"Oh my!" weeps Henny Penny, who, thanks to CNN's frightening
Showdown Lowdown, rarely leaves the coop. "What can we do?"
"Sign my Kyoto Accord!" urges Chicken Little, producing both
paper and pencil. "Do you want the sky to fall? Sign now, before it
is too late."
"I've never seen the sky fall," protests Turkey Lurkey.
"Are you blind?" asks Chicken Little. "Those chickens that
get on the truck on market days and never come back? Squashed! Crushed by
the sky!"
"If that's so," muses Foxy Loxie, "how come the truck
comes back in perfect shape?"
"Shut up," barks Chicken Little. "This is no time to talk.
Sign now. Talk later. Don't let the sky fall any more."
"We just sign an accord and it stops?" shivers Turkey Lurkey,
pen in wing. "Where's the small print? Is this like a hydro
bill?"
"There will be a price to pay," admits the excitable chicken.
"You may have to buy protective hats. Some of you might have to stop
exhaling so much."
"How much?" asks Brown Cow, knowing from testing herself
against Fear Factor's hard bodies she can only hold her breath 41
seconds.
"We will figure it out after everybody signs," says Chicken
Little. "Have you all put your names in my gun registry?"
"I don't understand how that works," argues the Old Goat.
"I put my name in that gun log, but no criminal will register. So
you've got my name -- but not a single signature from anybody who might
do me harm!"
"You must be registered," says Chicken Little. "That is
the law. It cost a fortune for pens and paper. If you don't register,
what a waste that will be."
"But criminals won't register!" the Old Goat nags.
"If crooks steal the registry, they see who has a gun!" Chicken
Little explains. "They will know who not to rob or murder. Criminals
steer clear of the armed! Don't you want to be on that list?"
"I saw a guy whacked on The Sopranos," nods Piggly Wiggly.
"It was horrible! They cut him into chops, bacon and cold cuts in a
bath tub."
"You saw The Sopranos finale?" demands Chicken Little.
"That is against the law. You are not allowed to see anybody get
whacked until I show it to you on my government-approved Chicken Little
Channel."
"It was on HBO Sunday night!" says Brown Cow. "Why should
I have to wait till tonight to see it on your little Chicken
Channel?"
"Because that is when I show it," mocks Chicken Little.
"You are not allowed to see it any other time. That is the law. I
spent a small fortune at the CRTC making sure it is the law and you will
obey, rib roast."
"What happens if we don't?" asks Piggly Wiggly, trembling.
"Your eyes will fall out and dogs will chew your ears," Chicken
Little threatens. "The RCMP will take your TV. You may be compelled
to sit in Mike Bullard's studio audience. Or warm a stool on Dini
Classics."
"What about wolves?" begs Henny Penny. "I hear them howl
late at night. Evildoers are out there. Some night, when we least expect
it, they will come kill us in our beds."
"The Americans have anti-wolf devices," chirps Brewster the
Rooster. "Perhaps they will share them with us. Protect our little
farm."
"We do not want that," says Chicken Little. "I have
prepared an angry letter to the newspapers from each of you begging the
Americans to stay away. We do not need their help. Sign and I'll mail it
for you."
"But we have no protection of our own!" the Rooster worries.
"What if the wolves come? What will we do then?"
"Trust me," says Chicken Little. "We are better off
without the Americans and their damned anti-wolf devices. Did you not
hear? They won't sign the Kyoto Accord! They want the sky to fall! We are
not like them. We believe in legacy projects: waiting lists for the ill
and imaginary daycare."
"But the wolves!" cries Henny Penny.
"Have I not set up every system that protects this farm?"
thunders the ChickMeister. "Designed every law, registry, board, tax
and rule? Determined what animals are allowed to see, buy, own? Concocted
the very value of our dollar? Didn't you elect me to do just that?"
And by golly -- sad to say -- they had.
Moral: Buy more wolf repellent. With an SPF of at least 40.
_______________________
Scott MacLean
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
ICQ: 9184011
http://www.nerosoft.com
