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-----Original Message----- You gotta love Andy Rooney! 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian
- that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that
it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece,
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Los Angeles . I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator. 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing,
then saying under their breath, Married!" and
walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences : Men and
women are different in the morning. We men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake
up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How
can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve. 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't
know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this.Give me the
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes
you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood" 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the
Midwest . Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who
would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl
contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday. 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you
ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a
great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the
love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love." 9. Andy Rooney on Research: Because over the
past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030
there will be a large number of people wandering
around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember
what to do with them. |
