http://www.altmuslimah.com/a/b/a/the_cult_mentality_in_secret_serial_polygynous_marriages/
POLYGYNY
The cult mentality in secret, serial polygynous marriages
BY ENITH MORILLO, NOVEMBER 11, 2009
The Prophet has stated, "The greatest sin amongst all sins in the eyes
of God is of a person, who marries a woman and divorces her once his
needs have been fulfilled and also usurps her dowry in the process…"
(Al-Hakim and Al-Bayhaqi Ibn Umar). In the last couple of decades, the
American Muslim community has unfortunately witnessed a growing trend
in which respectable, well-known Muslim men marry and then divorce
Muslim women in a secret, serial manner.
More often than not, these marriages last less than one year, are kept
secret from the community, and may involve multiple wives in a
polygynous marriage. First, let us hear from Patty, a single mother,
who married a well-respected Muslim gentleman in secret after an
intimate relationship developed between them. The “marriage” consisted
primarily of infrequent monthly visits and no financial support. As a
new Muslim, Patty was unaware of the distorted nature of her husband’s
teachings on Islam, and instead rejoiced at having found God and the
blessings of Islam.
Next, meet Halima, a mother of three and a survivor of an abusive
relationship. A highly praised Muslim man from the community assisted
her in getting a khula (divorce) from her abusive husband; as a result
of his support and Halima’s vulnerability during her iddah (immediate
post-divorce period), the two entered into a marriage secretly, out of
fear of the authorities since the brother already had two wives.
Halima agreed to a one-night per week arrangement and a monthly
allowance of only $300, which was often indefinitely suspended if she
ever questioned his Islamic knowledge or actions. She accepted, with
gratitude, the extended periods of “silent treatment” and repeated
threats of divorce, since she at last had a mate who did not
physically abuse her and was a practicing Muslim.
Lastly, let us hear from Ruqayah, an older woman whose financial
independence and thirst for Islam led her to a secret marriage in
which she was the sole provider for the family expenses. Her financial
support and generosity enabled her husband to use his own six-figure
income to pay child support and alimony, travel globally to spread the
message of Islam, and give all his free time for charity. This, he
promised, would pave her way to paradise.
Now think of Patty, Halima, and Ruqayah as co-wives in a polygynous
marriage. All three were married to the same man, a man praised for
his involvement in the community, charitable acts, and Islamic
character. In reality, however, he was using Islam as a façade to prey
on vulnerable women who were ignorant of their rights in Islam.
Women who become victims of unequal, oppressive marriages like the
ones described above are generally reverts and/or divorcees with
children; having little family or community support, they are
typically unaware of the dangers of secret or oppressive marriages,
where manipulation and isolation swiftly become the norm. Once in the
marriage, their sources of Islamic knowledge are censored or
controlled, to ensure that women only have access to twisted teachings
of Islam that align with the personal agenda of the man. Ironically,
the husband’s personal agenda allows his wives to leave the house to
earn a living, but prohibits them from attending the
mosque—apparently, to prevent lewdness in the community. All these
restrictions are put forth by the husband based on the hadith of the
Prophet about more women being in the hellfire than men, which
supports his theory on their evil nature and tendency to sin.
Due to their lack of Islamic knowledge to counteract what they are
taught by their husband, women like Patty, Halima, and Ruqayah
commonly fall into a “cult mentality” with their co-wives. The husband
generally rejects the women’s questions or challenges as ignorance or
rebellion, similar to a typical “cult leader.” In this way, critical
thinking and rational judgment are truncated. Since the men in these
situations seem to be God-fearing individuals who adhere to all
visible Islamic practices, the women often begin to idolize their
“pious” husbands; co-wives help one another in mitigating each other’s
doubts about their husband’s “religiosity,” thus solidifying their
cult mentality bond.
Further, psychological dependency is fostered through subtle
intimidation, with the husband continuously diminishing the women’s
Islamic actions due to their lack of knowledge. For example, her
prayers are never good enough, her understanding of Islam is always
faulty, or her actions are never approved of. Low self-esteem and
self-worth grow deep roots in these types of marriages, especially for
women who have been victimized in previous relationships.
As Muslims, we have a God-given responsibility to help the oppressed
in whatever capacity possible. We must begin by admitting this problem
exists within our communities, and learning to recognize it. This can
begin with the fulfillment of the basic requirements of marriage in
Islam: the sacred contract requiring witnesses that is to be made
public to prevent false accusations and misgivings.
Furthermore, our religious leaders and imams need to take a strong
stand against Muslim men who violate the sanctity of this contract,
and who transgress God’s commands by marrying and divorcing women in a
secret, serial manner to satisfy their nafs (ego). Men in the
community must also be cautious of protecting their fellow brothers
who might be committing wrongdoing. The Prophet set a perfect example
on this regard, when advising a female companion not to consider a
suitor for marriage based on his wife-beating tendencies.
While reverts must educate themselves and understand Islam is a
perfect way of life that is practiced by imperfect human beings,
mosques can also set up classes for reverts on the basics of worship,
and their rights and obligations in marriage. Female converts who
don’t have Muslim family members must be appointed a guardian to
safeguard their rights and protect their dignity; the guardian must
clearly understand the responsibility and importance of his role, and
fulfill his duty without crossing the boundaries God has established
for him.
Ultimately, breaking the silence is a challenging undertaking that
must come from within the “cult.” Yet as a community, Muslims have a
responsibility to seek knowledge, worship Allah, and stand for
justice, even if it be against ourselves or members of our own family,
as God has stated in the Qur’an.
Enith Morillo is a scientist by profession and a writer by passion.
Her writing is featured in the newly published "Many Poetic Voices,
One Faith" and "Many Voices, One Faith II: Islamic Fiction Stories."
She is also the media liaison for the grass-root movement Healthy
Families Initiative, a program dealing with domestic abuse in the
Rhode Island Muslim community. You can visit her Umrah blog or contact
her via email at enithcm [at] gmail.com.
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