-- -Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. Stranger things have - -happened but none stranger than this. Does your driver's license say Organ -Donor?Black holes are where God divided by zero. Listen to me! We are all- -individuals! What if this weren't a hypothetical question? [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 16:19:46 -0500 From: "Goeller, John" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (CNN) -- Researchers at the Worcester Polytechnic Institute School of Medicine have discovered that the consumption of alcoholic beverages by adults may increase intelligence among certain individuals. The team of scientists headed by Dr. Ragash Hamaad Dukala Bagopalan found that drinking 2-3 glasses of an alcoholic beverage per day increased overal IQ scores by an average of 18 points. "The effect was more dramatic among people who started with lower IQ scores," said Dr. Dukala Bagopalan. "What exactly this means, we don't know yet, but it appears that alcohol makes stupid people significantly smarter, but does not have the same effect on smart people." Patients with an average starting IQ of 74 or lower improved most dramatically, gaining an average of 26 IQ points, whereas patients with an average initial IQ of 130 or higher showed little or no demonstrable improvement in their Intelligence Quotient. The discrepancy was not fully understood until the team of scientists began analyzing PET scans of patients' brains, looking for changes that had taken place due to alcohol consumption. What they found proved to be truly stunning. "Everybody knows that alcohol kills brain cells," said Dr. Dukala Bagopalan. "What we did not realize until we analzyed the PET scans is that it only kills the stupid ones." It seems that since the adult cranium is composed of hard, inflexible bone, it is not capable of expanding to accomodate the growth of fresh, new, intelligent grey matter. According to researchers, alcohol appears to "weed out" and kill off less intelligent brain cells thereby making room in the cranium for newer, smarter ones. None of this is news to students at Worcester Polytechnic Institute, who have been making themselves smarter in this manner for years. "I could have told you that," said Johnathan Crane, a sixth-year bachelor's degree candidate at WPI. "I turned 21 in March of 1999, coincidently the same year I took Differential Equations for the first time. Since then I've been drinking frequently, and I've taken Diff'EQ's 4 more times. Each time I take the class I get a better grade. I'm hoping to actually pass it this time. Coincidence? I don't think so." The study has been published in the November 18 edition of Imposture Magazine.
