In honor of Halloween, here are the latest Darwin
awards. Be forewarned, truth is stranger than
fiction and most awards are reflective of the
macabre spirit of the Halloween season.
Subject: 99 Darwin Awards
These awards are given each year to bestow upon
the remains of those individuals, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the
human gene pool through 'natural selection.'
5th runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man died when he hit
a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while
riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22 year old
David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly
of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope
and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk
threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked
out without paying. Police found him unconscious
in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked
him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and
was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the
man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the
fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his
mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off
his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24,
of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another
man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go
off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off".
"He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all
his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson
at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine
anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during
an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)
in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer
can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left,
a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would
have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went
through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all
major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to
pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends
had been drinking that afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this".
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County
district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
Now this year's winner(s):
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them),
they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence
and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over
to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky who
was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and
then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.
Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with
his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down
and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally
free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,
without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated
his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing,
his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late)
Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he
thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck
and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state,
he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence
landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find
the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half naked
with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum,
a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 28 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win... hands down !!!
Happy Halloween!
-
John H. Hoffmann
Personal
E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the
world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt
the world to themselves. All progress,
therefore, depends on unreasonable people."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----------------------------------------------------------------------
To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put
"unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
