Not such DEEP THOUGHTS
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape...
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a
bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstainall
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too.'
And my personal favorite:
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library;
the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Thank you!
Sarah Myers,
Preventive Care Operations
Blue Cross of California
"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching."
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