> The devil whispered to me, "I'm coming for you." I whispered back, "Bring > pizza." > > Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and > leave the house. > > It's weird being the same age as old people. > > When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected. > > Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter. > > Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby. > > It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult. > > Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to > slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, > remember...Don't sing! > > During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and > orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends? > > If 2020 was a math-word problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and > your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle > your roof? > > I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg > through my underwear without losing my balance. > > We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, > 'Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?' > > So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure? > > If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That > way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot. > > I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out. > > One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and > going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast > and missing people you don't even like. > > I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, > while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet. > > Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum > cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years. > > I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event. > > I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit > > At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: "That's a > load of 2020." or "What in the 2020." or "abso-2020-lutely." > > You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to > get back up > > We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in > our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it
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