> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over > by a train. > > His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and > he's walking with a limp. > > "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. > > "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. > > "That little twit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he > musta had help." > > "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' > he gave me with it." > > "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have > something in hand?" > > "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it > is, but useless in a fight." > > *********************** > > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the pub > one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A > cop pulls him over. > > "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" > > "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. > > "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this > evening." > > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. > > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across > his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" > > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone > deaf." > > ********************************* > > Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at > her door. > > "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." > > "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my > husband?" > > "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down > at the brewery." > > "Oh, heavens, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." > > "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." > > "How did it happen, Tim?" she cries. > > "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." > > "Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" > > "Well no, Brenda, no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee!" > > > ************************** > > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and > she's in tears. > > He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" > > She says, "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last > night." > > The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible. Tell me, did he have any last > requests?" > > She says, "That he did, Father." > > The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" > > She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'" > >
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