The attached text file is an accumulation of reminders for anyone who
has become disgruntled with the current political party's, and has decided
to take over the world. IF YOU FROWN ON HUMOR, DO NOT READ IT. Brian
UpChurch
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Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord
I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown
and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are
barbarian lords,
deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to
make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow
me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of Eternity. It will
be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is
my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No."
and shoot him. No, on
second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final
phase of my plan will be carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The
big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of
bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
switch will not
clearly be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show
they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The
announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches
117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
at a crucial point in
time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more
attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like
Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes.
All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power generator
and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line
"No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is
usually instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
small and virtually
inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will
think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will
always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes
will surely give up and
abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or
romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
33.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly,
outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
keep the only key to the cell
door on my person instead of handing out copies to every
bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to
grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
40.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
untying ropes and filching
keys happens to follow him around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly
betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds to give the
other guy a sporting chance.
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my
weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,"
then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
not immediately come
after me for revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them out to seize something
else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less
people-oriented position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might
not know about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill
her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions
that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone
else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds,
it will not be used.
Note: this also applies to passwords.
61.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible
tunnels at predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publically available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly
marked as the Main Control
Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main
control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger
the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer
is good one time
only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my
life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned
in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears
mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate
an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a
corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should
be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the
answer is no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable
superweapon on them.
73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk
"Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge
of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten
lava is not even worth considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain
enough sanity to wait until my
current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the
offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical."
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition
commemorative coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as
he gets closer and
closer to my fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me
and drops flat, I too will
drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he
saw.
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to
decide whether or not to switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the
moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines
of "Push the button."
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
89.After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
the weapon is
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from
him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
is finished. It might
actually be important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
on the futility of my evil
ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet
contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes
are incredibly gullible in
this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled
to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an
emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up
the cell for a look.
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
the inside opens the
door, not vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if
circumstance have forced them together against their will and they
spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during
the intermittent
occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point
there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their
execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
100.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I'd do. Other suggestions
have been sent to me which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they
are still so good
that I couldn't bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of
gratitude, I have tossed them into...
Cellblock A and Cellblock B
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The Dungeon: Cellblock A
Peter's plan to create a Top 100 List has come to fruition. However,
there are several other bits of advice he'd follow if he ever became an
Evil Overlord...
[Editor's note: the following list is numbered using the HTML <OL> tag
with the START parameter set to 101. If the list below starts at 1
instead of 101,
your browser doesn't support the latest HTML standard.]
101.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident
-- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
it.
103.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
104.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any
other dress codes.
105.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil
ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
106.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not
wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it
won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect
a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice will be outlawed
and destroyed.
109.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the main
square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of
my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens
will be jaded in case
the real thing ever comes along.
110.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
111.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being executed.
112.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close
quickly in an emergency.
114.I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115.I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers
are dead.
116.If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as
soon as it clears the blast-range.
117.No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling
"Leave him. He's mine!"
118.If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will
not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally
falling on when fatally
wounded.
119.I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature
in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.
120.Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with
basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire
one more shot than the
standard issue.
121.If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by
the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122.The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they
may direct fire inward or at each other.
123.If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,
contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave
their beards before
entering.
124.Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work
for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has
neither a beautiful but
naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor
an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with
his father many
years ago.
125.Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate
escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls
converging, etc.) I will not
leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but
will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around
and enjoy watching
my adversary's demise.
126.Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can
easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to
throw him off
track.
127.Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety
of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty.
The guards will also be
informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will
result in execution.
128.I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs
are externally mounted
and easily removable.
129.Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight
each other in the arena.
130.All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally
tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals
the uniform, the poor fit
will give him away.
131.I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's
reach.
132.Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct
a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133.If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been
associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but
new consorts are easier
to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay
attention at the orientation meeting.
134.If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a
small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along
side of me and try to force
him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will
slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary
knowledge of physics can
prove quite useful.)
135.My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological
device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug
at the last second. (If
I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a
back-up device known as a battery.)
136.If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it
has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137.Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches,
or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid
military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
138.The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost,
but my security patrols
will be more effective.
139.If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate,
then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts
anyway just to be on the
safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out
another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140.I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty
to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped
and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not
there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to
strike them with it or else
he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously
deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in
entering.
141.As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of
children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a
real threat, and the daughters
will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
142.If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my
three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters
to kill me, I will ask
him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved
grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over
her head, that will
be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of
crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as
Evil Overlords and it's important
to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143.If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national
holiday to celebrate the
wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be
enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that
no hero will attack my
Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
144.I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the
hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other.
Also, I will order some to
aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the
way.
145.My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they
add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and
a lot of
prisoners know Morse code.
146.If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent
ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of
brought in for salvage.
147.I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be
awarded posthumously.
148.Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop
me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the
schematics and make sure
that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149.Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open
windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of
the ceiling.
150.I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and
strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not
limited to "hand to hand
combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
151.I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is
reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152.I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153.My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.
Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep
in mind the increasing
number of non-traditional gender roles.
154.I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques.
In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts,
"Quick! They went that
way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful
informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155.If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any
circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156.If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are
available.
157.Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll
post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur
and not worry too much if
they get stolen.
158.I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my
folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes
the stolen plans and
finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159.If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for
an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run
like hell.
160.Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits
will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to
recognize the sound of
a pebble thrown to distract them.
161.I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a
rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant
gong before finishing off
my enemy.
162.If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it
on public display.
163.When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces
that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near
the rebel camp.
164.I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but
make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture
the hero.
165.As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several
hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially
with someone, I'll just turn my
back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of
them out of the room.
166.If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they
did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over
again.
167.If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and
my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's
largest
international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old
dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let
the hero get stuck
with the genius.
168.I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they
are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up
while I decide his
fate.
169.If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many
precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans
and firewalls.
170.I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and
oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group
that will form the core
of a rebellion.
171.I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location
where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down
from above.
172.I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That
way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out,
take a nap, and come
back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
173.Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the
hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which
he blames the hero.
174.If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand
down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow
him to rescue me, thank
him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order
his execution.
175.I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the
dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable
information once
placated.
176.I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out
when someone has
entered in this fashion.
177.If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to
work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay
for her future wedding and
her children's college tuition.
178.If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he
says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect
me to fall for that
old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half
turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can
scan the area behind me,
and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
179.I will not outsource core functions.
180.If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I
will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181.I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be
set on fire.
182.I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle
walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the
road in the festival pavilion.
183.Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my
body, I will install a surge suppressor.
184.I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of
mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone
sounds American)
or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
185.If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and
fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and
confiscate all personal items before
throwing him in my dungeon.
186.I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking
the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at
him then leaving him to
his own devices.
187.I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good
PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188.I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal
projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any
city, they too often contain
unexpected allies for heroes.
189.I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but
you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances
are, that incompetent old
fool is standing behind the curtain.
190.If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to
complete the tests. No one
ever conquered the world using a beta version.
191.I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes
trouble with the EEOC.
192.If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform
her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193.If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her
at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus
on her and not him. He
won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other
hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally
useless up to this point
has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
194.I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages
in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195.I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to
use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking
them.
196.I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
197.I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons
and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or
club him with
a gun will be summarily executed.
198.I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed
strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs
to know.
199.I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself.
Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will
make alliances with
those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in
their moment of glory.
200.During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted
to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be
required to obey my
dietician and my aerobics instructor.
Due to the ever prevalent problem of prison overcrowding, we have been
forced to open another cell block, Cellblock B.
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Organization: O'Neill Quigley & Associates
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The Dungeon: Cellblock B
What can we say? Despite the horrendously barbaric conditions of The
Dungeon (only two premium cable channels and the complete lack of a
jacuzzi), eager
applicants keep sending in their suggestions. To deal with our own
overcrowding, we proudly announce the opening of a new cell block.
[Editor's note: the following list is numbered using the HTML <OL> tag
with the START parameter set to 201. If the list below starts at 1
instead of 201,
your browser doesn't support the latest HTML standard.]
201.All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be
fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202.All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free
facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should
pretty well destroy their
credibility.
203.I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
204.I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in
keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will
come in handy when the hero
becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205.All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any
alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the
dungeon.
206.When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance
on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207.Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use
provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given
this, anyone caught
making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will
be shot.
208.Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous
to the general
population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and
destruction.
209.I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely
desperate to
perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210.All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep
track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about
my fortress are
actually plotting.
211.If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned
in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212.I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or
skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213.I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a
bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in
doors or tripped over
during an escape.
214.If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular
quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality
immediately before the sacrifice
and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is
virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
215.If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will
buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the
market keep
perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you
turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the
countdown has
progressed by only a few seconds.
216.If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly
withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to
assassinate the hero.
217.If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and
his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are
all alone in my
bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will
politely decline the offer.
218.I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power
is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a
hazardous materials container,
and transport it back to my lab for study.
219.I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts
to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not
even be considered for the
job.
220.Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and
flinching whenever
someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the
hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be
"Hmm...I think I
need a shave."
221.My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they
generate.
222.I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a
little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will
not at some subsequent
point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
223.I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the
room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
224.I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather
than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a
chain reaction. I will
do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
225.I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the
front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes
little sense to draw a
weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
226.I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that
someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them
find out who rather than
wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
227.I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228.If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me
personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve
just as well.
229.If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will
set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and
launch them successively.
230.I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
231.Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose
of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient
riddles.
