Author's notes: It is not yet established when in the timeline this takes place. I have to warn you that this is long, and that there is no TF as of yet. And if it shows up twice or more like it did when it (finally) went through to the TSA list a week or so ago, I apologize...for some reason my eMails keep being sent to the same place your socks go in the dryer. (Fourth time trying to send this through!!)
Greetings and Welcome to Metamor Keep!
I enjoyed this story overall, and several of the elements therein. Overall, the feel of newcomer's to the Valley is strongly captured, and you provide a lovely contrast to the Keeper's being outsiders to humanity and the merchant family being outsiders to the Valley. While your test could use a good editor to help you eliminate grammatical mistakes, I wasn't mentally marking up your story with red ink as I read it.
I liked the characterizations you gave, especially for your merchant family. I did have a little trouble at first keeping them apart, but about a third of the way in I felt I had a good grasp on who each of them were. You might want to provide more detail in the beginning on that subject and also better describe their appearance. I was especially pleased that they were Sondesharan. You captured very well the way I imagined the people of Sondeshara to be. That said, it wouldn't be common knowledge that there were any Sondeckis in Metamor; Charles's feats are widely known but his being a Sondecki is kept mostly secret. Still, it made a nice touch and brought a smile to my face.
The turtle doctor was also a nice touch, although I had a vague sense of anachronism when reading his section. It seemed to me that you were imagining doctor's of our time back in Metamor, instead of what developed during comparable times in our own world. Not a big sin, and it really is only an impression on my part. Just be careful when writing that you don't intrude too many 20th/21st century ways of thinking or of doing things into Metamor.
The manner in which you end the story tells us that they will all be cursed and stuck at Metamor, but that's standard operating procedure for this setting! But it seems evident that the boy is going to become a fennec from the very first paragraph. At the very least it's a new type of fox. Metamor has too many of those already. ;-)
Depending on when you set this story, it may be possible for Charles to run into your characters in the marketplace or what not. And depending on when this is in the timeline, he might even reveal himself to them and ask them how things are back home. :-)
I am definitely looking forward to your next tale. :-)
May He bless you and keep you in His grace and love,
Charles Matthias
!DSPAM:4b7ff42e37611804284693!
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